Words of wisdom from Thomas à Kempis

From The Imitation of Christ:

Turn your attention upon yourself and beware of judging the deeds of other
men, for in judging others a man lasbors vainly, often makes mistakes,
and
easily sins; whereas in judging and taking stock of himself he does
something
that is always profitable.

We frequently judge that things are as we wish them to be, for
through personal feeling true perspective is easily lost...

...Many, unawares, seek themselves in the things they do. They seem
even to enjoy peace of mind when things happen according to their wish and
liking, but if otherwise than they desire, they are soon disturbed and
saddened.

There's been a theme of humility and self-denial running through my life
lately (go figure, it's lent). God has consistently been pointing out my
need to step back and truly examine myself. I too often look at what other
people are doing, while ignoring my own problems and maladies of the
heart. When God looks at my heart, what does He see? That's a really
scary question. I feel I have made some progress in this direction but I
know I've only hit the tip of the iceberg.

When I take a step back and look objectively at my life, I see a girl who too often chases after her own heart's desire for happiness and comfort while throwing God's desire for her life to the wind. I guess it's kind of the story of being human, but that doesn't make it any less disturbing. I look at my life and se it's all a reaction against avoiding perceived threat and pain. Is that what God wants for me? We are not called to a life of ease, but we are called to imitate Christ and to take part in his sufferings. If I could just fully grasp the meaning of this for a day of my life, I would be forever changed I'm sure.

I love that line about true perception being lost in human feeling. We are "feely" creatures, some of us more than others. But regardless we're wired to adjust our actions around the way we're feeling. So if everything is going okay and is just peachy I am going to think everything is right with the world. I can't tell you how true this has been in my life as I'm sure it is in yours. But what is God's thought about whether or not everything is right? Is it really beneficial to search after feeling happy and secure? What does God want??

When we look at our lives through the lens of feelings, we make a jdgenment that all is right under the sun. And when this is the case, we aren't really motivated to do anything differently because we're happy just the way we are. I think happiness is the most apathetic emotion. If we let happiness control our lives we've created a monster who is never satisfied and never takes into account other people.

Now this is all sounding pretty pessimistic and hopeless about now, right? Well I don't think so. Because what we should be orienting our lives around is even better than happiness. Happiness is temporary and fleeting, while joy is eternal and everlasting. Joy looks for the highest good and does it. Joy takes hold of us and moves us toward action. It makes us about our Father's business.

So when I take a step back and examine the state of my heart, I want to see joy rather than happiness guiding my actions. I want things in my life to be the way God wants them to be rather than simply the way I want them to be. Let is be so.

Prince Caspian is coming

It's official. The second motion picture of The Chronicles of Narnia series is in the making. In late 2007, The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian will be released in theaters. How exciting! I can't wait to find out how they portray all the animal characters in this one...especially Reepicheep. I mean, come on, how do you put a three-foot talking mouse in your movie?? I'm intrigued.

My Brain is Full

I am taking Research this semester. Call it my Lenten wilderness if you want, but I am actually enjoying it. I have found through this class that i might just qualify for nerd status. Give out a nerd alert. Bring out the scarlet "N." Jackie enjoys researching! I am loving the experience of finding, gathering, and summarizing research. I enjoy getting lost in it and forming my own ideas about my topic. I love seeing the way all of the ideas fit together and how each finding builds on the previous finding. Of course it also puzzles me how so many people can pretend to be the first person to discover something or "prove" something when really they're finding the same exact thing the girl next door did five years ago.

So for this semester I get to pursue a topic of my choice (the effects of parental divorce on young adults' intimate relationships). The research is pretty much suggesting that people whose parents divorce are at a higher risk of marital dissolution themselves. The question I ask myself is "why?" Is it because of social economic factors such as the tendency for them to finish less education, live closer to the povery line than others, or to cohabit or marry earlier in life, all of which have been associated with a higher risk of divorce themselves? Or is it because they have failed to gain certain relationship skills such as healthy communication, conflict resolution, or compromising because of poor relationship models? The problem with this is that not all divorces are precipitated by marital conflict and poor skills. Is it because of skewed attitudes of commitment that children of divorce often develop after watching their parents walk away from marriage? All of these ideas are valid and have support behind them. Maybe it's a combination of all of them. Who knows. It's a very complex issue. And I guess that's why I chose it. Well, that and other personal reasons. Isn't it funny how personal experience shapes what you're interested in? But I knew I wanted to be interested in my topic since I'm stuck with it all semester. I'd be wanting to hurt myself right now if I wasn't interested in it.

What I might be interested in zeroing-in on is if the observation of a postive relationship model attained through the custodial parent's remarriage is beneficial to the self-concept and the attitudes about committed relationships of adult female offspring of divorce. I think I'll find that it will be. Again, there's a personal element to this decision of what to study. I am a child of divorce but I don't really ever think of myself that way. I have had a very positive and influential relationship with a loving step father who I have considered "Dad" since I was age seven. I hope I'm not just doing this to prove to myself that I'm not warped. But I know I can't totally escape my personal agenda since it hits so close to home.

Our personal expereinces shape who we are, what we're interested in, and how we think. I am more or less just hypothesizing about something that might buffer the relationship between parental divorce and poor functioning in intimate relationships based on my own experience. I think people like to use their own experiences when they think about things because that's the way we learn best: when it happens to us. Maybe we're all self-centered but maybe there's more to it. I think that God has given us our personal experiences so that we can use them to help other people and to contribute to the lives of others. When something happens to us we develop a sensitivity. We operate out of those sensitivities so that we might be there for people and indentify with people who have the same sensitivities. And God gives people different experiences so that we can all be passionate about different things so that everything has someone to be passionate about it and therefore we can more fully reflect the body of Christ communally. I think it's a beautiful thing.

Now my head is feeling a little less full, beside the fact that it still feels like it will explode because of the ever-changing Kentucky Spring weather. Ahhhh....gotta love it when your head's a human barometer.

A Season of Hope

Have mercy on me, O God according to your unfailing love;
according to your great compassion blot out my transgressions.
Wash away all my iniquity and cleanse me from my sin.

For I know my transgressions, and my sin is always before me.
Against you, you only have I sinned and done what is evil in your sight,
so that you are proved right when you speak and justified when you judge.
Surely I was sinful at birth, sinful from the time my mother conceived me.
Surely you desire truth in the inner parts; you teach me wisdom in the inmost place.

Cleanse me with hyssop and I will be clean; wash me and I will be whiter than snow.
Let me hear joy and gladness; let the bones you have crushed rejoice.
Hide your face from my sins and blot out all my iniquity.

Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me.
Do not cast me from your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me.
Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.

Then I will teach transgressors your ways, and sinners will turn back to you.
Save me from bloodguilt, O God, the God who saves me, and my tongue will sing of your righteousness.
O Lord, open my lips and my mouth will declare your praise.
You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it;
you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings.
The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise.

~Psalm 51: 1-17

It's Ash Wednesday...a day to reflect on and come in touch with human frailty and sin. Some may say it's the gloomiest day on the calendar. I like to think of it differently. In tradition, people who repented of their sins covered their bodies with ashes and wore sackcloth as a sign of wanting to repent from their sins and turn back toward God. It was a bit of a humiliating symbol I am sure. I can just imagine walking through the marketplace and seeing someone covered in sackcloth and ashes and seeing the groups of people turning and whispering to one another, "What do you suppose he did this time?" So as I received the ashes on my forehead today I was humbled at the fact that I am a sinner.

How else could we start this season of Lent than to confess openly to God that we have sinned against Him and to make a public symbol of the fact that we are turning our hearts toward him in repentence? How else could we prepare our hearts for this season in the wilderness with Jesus than to admit that we are fallen and powerless without God's mercy and help? It may be sobering, but I find hope in it. It doesn't mean beating yourself up...it means relying on God instead of on yourself. When we admit we are powerless on our own, then and only then are we able to be sustained by Him.

The season of Lent has traditionally been a season in which to identify with Jesus' 40 days in the wilderness. And because it is followed by the celebration of the Resurrection, Christ's triumph over death, it is also a season of hope. Christ's death has made our life possible. As we enter into the wilderness, let us take hope in the fact that God has taken mercy on us and forgiven us of our sins. And with all sins confessed, we are better able to examine our hearts to find the ways in which we can become more like Jesus. More thoughts on that later.

For now, remember your frailty and place your hope in Christ.