Late Night Ramblings
I've been kind of living in survival mode lately. Have you ever felt like you are reacting to things more than acting on your own? I feel as if I've been operating on an external locus of control rather than an internal one. I picture this ship sailing on a turbulent sea with no real course of travel just going where the wind and waves blow it. This is me. Whatever the wind and waves may be (work, appetite, need for attention, etc.) that is what I'm being driven by. I have been having a general feeling of apathy regarding many things lately. I can't point to one specific area of life or any specific problem. I've just been apathetic.
And you know what it is? It's two different things.
(1) I think I've lost my bearings a bit. Instead of having my sights set on worshiping and glorifying God, I've been more focused on meeting my own needs. It really sounds cliche and cheesy but it's true. There's a lot of distance between me and Him right now. I have basically told God "That's okay, I think I can handle it on my own." When things were a bit crazier in my life, it was a lot easier to rely on His strength in me to get me through. But now that Mom is back home and doing fine, I'm out of school, the wedding planning is behind me, the identity theft stuff is mostly under control, I've got a steady source of income, and we're settled into our new home it seems a little harder to remind myself that I still need God. I still need God. I still need God.
(2) In my new job I've noticed my tendency to measure or compare myself to my clients. I can look at them and say "Wow, at least I'm not that messed up!" That's awful for me to say but it is true! This is obviously not the right measuring stick to be using in gaging my quality of life. It makes me feel okay about the junk in my life. It gives me a reason to take my own life, action, and thoughts out from under the microscope. Just because I don't cut myself, use drugs, or beat people up doesn't mean my coping skills are completely healthy, right?
There's a real emotive difference between surviving and thriving. Deep down we all know which one we are doing.
And you know what it is? It's two different things.
(1) I think I've lost my bearings a bit. Instead of having my sights set on worshiping and glorifying God, I've been more focused on meeting my own needs. It really sounds cliche and cheesy but it's true. There's a lot of distance between me and Him right now. I have basically told God "That's okay, I think I can handle it on my own." When things were a bit crazier in my life, it was a lot easier to rely on His strength in me to get me through. But now that Mom is back home and doing fine, I'm out of school, the wedding planning is behind me, the identity theft stuff is mostly under control, I've got a steady source of income, and we're settled into our new home it seems a little harder to remind myself that I still need God. I still need God. I still need God.
(2) In my new job I've noticed my tendency to measure or compare myself to my clients. I can look at them and say "Wow, at least I'm not that messed up!" That's awful for me to say but it is true! This is obviously not the right measuring stick to be using in gaging my quality of life. It makes me feel okay about the junk in my life. It gives me a reason to take my own life, action, and thoughts out from under the microscope. Just because I don't cut myself, use drugs, or beat people up doesn't mean my coping skills are completely healthy, right?
There's a real emotive difference between surviving and thriving. Deep down we all know which one we are doing.
posted by Jackie | 1:39 AM
1 Comments:
Hi sugar plum. Just wanted to let you know that you're not at all alone in what you're experiencing. In fact, it is far more common than you would think. One thing I can identify here is that you're focusing on the negatives rather than the positives; you're using problems as your measuring stick. Through all the experiences I've been through with mommy, I've been reminded that we have far more blessings than negatives in life. Try developing a pattern of worship based on all the ways you are blessed, and you will be renewed. In focusing on blessings, you can also gain a new vision of your own inability to be strong outside of the provision of God. Also remember the Biblical standard for blessings; God blesses the one to bless the many, and He blesses the many to bless the one. That should put a new focus on the stuff of life because it forces us to realize that nothing is given to us for our benefit alone. I suspect, though, that the very fact that you were able to verbalize your current experience indicates that you're finding ways to work through it. Nevertheless you are always in my prayers. You are a blessing to me!
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