Am I Going Crazy?
I've had a lot of time to myself this week and haven't really been feeling very well so that only equals one thing: too much time spent thinking. I've thought about weird random stuff like how weird it is that someone a really long time ago thought, "Hey I bet that chicken would taste really good." Or I've wondered how our brains decide what smells are pleasant and which ones are not so pleasant. But other than that, I’ve been completely overwhelmed with feelings of grief and sorrow and anger for people I know who have gone through really tough things. It’s really been taking a toll on me emotionally and spiritually. How is it that when left alone with her thoughts for too long a woman can drive herself completely crazy? I’ve been spending most of the week wishing I wasn’t so stinkin’ emotional.
Why can't I be the perfect model of psychological stability? Why can't I be the person who floats though life unaffected by things? Because no such person exists. Emotions are a very important part of the human experience. But why do we have to be so vulnerable? I suppose that without emotions (positive OR negative) life would be kind of drab. The ups and downs of the soul bring beauty and uniqueness to our lives. In order to experience the blessings of intimacy, growth and change that come with sharing life with other people you have to make yourself vulnerable to the negative emotions. You can’t have one without the other.
I love the blessings in life but not always the hurts. If it was my choice, everyone would be happy all the time. No one would ever be in pain. No one would ever experience loss. No one would have to experience severed relationships. No one would have to suffer from depression or anxiety. No one would ever feel isolated or lonely. But then again, I'm not God. Vulnerability and pain and suffering still exist. How do we make sense of it?As a female brought up in a Christian home, anger is not an emotion that I was ever encouraged to experience. In fact, I was scolded immediately whenever I would raise my voice displaying the first signs of anger. I have been so removed from anger my whole life I often don't recognize it even when it walks up and slaps me in the face. I want to be angry. "But," I say to myself, "I don't need to be angry. I can rise above all of this because Jesus said so." Afterall, what would Jesus do, right? Jesus was angry when he saw the temple being turned into a money market. So maybe it's okay for me to be angry about all the suffering and injustice in the world. Why do so many of the people I am closest to in life have to endure so much? Why have they been treated so unfairly? Why do they have to live with constant pain?But who am I supposed to be mad at? The world? Stupid people? Myself? The devil? God? I have no answers. I’m just mad.
There are certainly things in the world that I think are worthy of being angry about and some that are just selfish to be angry about. The same goes for sadness. When is it okay to experience sadness for the upsets in life and when does it just become a sickening display of self-pity? Where do you draw the line? Perhaps anger is only good when it moves one to action for good. Too bad I’m not superwoman and could fly down with my cape and make pain and suffering go away forever. There are still things I can do to make people’s suffering a bit lighter. I can still come alongside people and offer support. I can grieve with them. But how much sadness is appropriate? Perhaps sadness, much like anger, is only good until it becomes something that begins to infect and pollute one’s soul. There are times for sadness but there is also much to be joyous about.
Of course being joyous in the face of suffering is a much prettier picture than it is an easy reality. It’s not something that comes naturally. It only comes through the renewal of the mind…through radical changes in response to grace in the way we think. I really want to know how to move people in that direction. I guess I have to start with myself. Oh how much work there is to be done.
Why can't I be the perfect model of psychological stability? Why can't I be the person who floats though life unaffected by things? Because no such person exists. Emotions are a very important part of the human experience. But why do we have to be so vulnerable? I suppose that without emotions (positive OR negative) life would be kind of drab. The ups and downs of the soul bring beauty and uniqueness to our lives. In order to experience the blessings of intimacy, growth and change that come with sharing life with other people you have to make yourself vulnerable to the negative emotions. You can’t have one without the other.
I love the blessings in life but not always the hurts. If it was my choice, everyone would be happy all the time. No one would ever be in pain. No one would ever experience loss. No one would have to experience severed relationships. No one would have to suffer from depression or anxiety. No one would ever feel isolated or lonely. But then again, I'm not God. Vulnerability and pain and suffering still exist. How do we make sense of it?As a female brought up in a Christian home, anger is not an emotion that I was ever encouraged to experience. In fact, I was scolded immediately whenever I would raise my voice displaying the first signs of anger. I have been so removed from anger my whole life I often don't recognize it even when it walks up and slaps me in the face. I want to be angry. "But," I say to myself, "I don't need to be angry. I can rise above all of this because Jesus said so." Afterall, what would Jesus do, right? Jesus was angry when he saw the temple being turned into a money market. So maybe it's okay for me to be angry about all the suffering and injustice in the world. Why do so many of the people I am closest to in life have to endure so much? Why have they been treated so unfairly? Why do they have to live with constant pain?But who am I supposed to be mad at? The world? Stupid people? Myself? The devil? God? I have no answers. I’m just mad.
There are certainly things in the world that I think are worthy of being angry about and some that are just selfish to be angry about. The same goes for sadness. When is it okay to experience sadness for the upsets in life and when does it just become a sickening display of self-pity? Where do you draw the line? Perhaps anger is only good when it moves one to action for good. Too bad I’m not superwoman and could fly down with my cape and make pain and suffering go away forever. There are still things I can do to make people’s suffering a bit lighter. I can still come alongside people and offer support. I can grieve with them. But how much sadness is appropriate? Perhaps sadness, much like anger, is only good until it becomes something that begins to infect and pollute one’s soul. There are times for sadness but there is also much to be joyous about.
Of course being joyous in the face of suffering is a much prettier picture than it is an easy reality. It’s not something that comes naturally. It only comes through the renewal of the mind…through radical changes in response to grace in the way we think. I really want to know how to move people in that direction. I guess I have to start with myself. Oh how much work there is to be done.
posted by Jackie | 2:52 PM
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