The Paradox of Freedom

From The New Man for Our Time by Elton Trueblood:

When we begin to ask what the conditions of inner renewal are, we receive essentially the same answers from nearly all of those whom we have the most reason to respect. One major answer is the emphasis on discipline. In the conduct of one's own life it is soon obvious, as many have learned the hard way, that empty freedom is a snare and a delusion. In following what comes naturally or easily, life simply ends in confusion, and in consequent disaster. Without the discipline of time, we spoil the next day the night before, and without the discipline of prayer, we are likely to end by having practically no experience of the divine-human encounter. However compassionate we may be with others, we dare not be soft or indulgent with ourselves. Excellence comes at a price, and one of the major prices is that of inner control.

We have not advanced very far in our spiritual lives if we have not encountered the basic paradox of freedom, to the effect that we are most free when we are bound. But not just any way of being bound will suffice; what matters is the character of our binding. The one who would like to be an athelete, but who is unwilling to discipline his body by regualr exercise and by abstinence, is not free to excel on the field or the track. His failure to train rigorously and to live abstemiously denies him the freedom to go over the bar at a certain height, or to run with the desired speed and endurance. With one concerted voice the giants of the devotional life apply the same principle to the whole of life with the dictum Discipline is the price of freedom.

This excerpt really jumps out at me because I struggle so much with feeling apathetic toward having a devotional life. Whenever I try to be disciplined, I end up failing. And I've heard the same story a hundred times over from other people. Why is it so hard to live a disciplined life with the priorities all in order? Maybe we haven't yet learned the paradox of freedom. Maybe when I apply discipline to my life, it really does free me. It's hard to wrap my mind around that though. I get so caught up in whether or not I feel like doing this or doing that. I am a slave to my emotions and drives. I think I need to stop being so caught up in what I am feeling in the moment and trust within the limits of discipline. If I don't feel like reading my Bible, I don't want to fast, I don't feel like I have money to tithe this week or I don't want to spend the time visiting someone who is sick I should do it anyway. The problem I run into there is that it goes against my life ethic: everything must be genuine. I like to think that if I do something without having genuine motivation that it's worse than not doing it at all. I like to be genuine. But maybe I've been discounting the whole idea of discipline in the process. Spiritual disciplines are difficult....I guess that's why they're called disciplines. But I know that discipline is the means to the end of love. God doesn't want us to engage in the disciplines to make us suffer, He wants us to be disciplined because He loves us and wants the best for us. And hopefully as we allow our lives to become disciplined by God we develop new ways of life as well as the freedom that Trueblood speaks of.