Lonely But Never Alone

A Little Bit of Politics

2007-11-05T02:55:00.000-05:00

I've been trying to grow my interest in political issues lately. In college I can safely say I didn't know a thing about politics and didn't care to either. Since moving to Kentucky I have graduated to knowing a small little bit and wishing I knew more than I did. The other night I browsed this site at the NY Times and read up on some of the contenders in next year's big election. I have formed some opinions on some issues...not sure this is the right kind of place to express those opinions or not. Don't want to step on too many toes. Well, okay, one thing is worth stepping on toes about. I am saddened to find out that President Bush passed a tax cut (not sure when this happened) for Americans earning more than $250,000 a year (the top 1%) and that there are candidates running who adamantly pledge to protect that tax cut. Now tell me why someone who makes that much money shouldn't be taxed at the same percentage rate as the people who earn a much more modest salary and struggle to get by? This doesn't make sense. Does the government not want to take their money just so they can put the money back into the economy? Excuse me but I think I have to throw up now.

There are candidates that propose to reverse the tax cut given to America's most wealthy. And you know what that would do? That would fund government-based health insurance for every uninsured American at very little cost. I guess I've just been thinking recently while reading Deuteronomy about how God is interested in how His people treat each other on a national level. I think He cares about what the priorities of a country are. I don't want to get into issues of separation of church and state or anything, but I'm just thinking about this obviously as a Christian.

In Deuteronomy 15, God gives the nation of Israel instructions to forgive outstanding debts once every seven years. God also commands His people to take care of the needy in the land. By asking that they forgive debts every so often, God is telling them that there is not to be a great divide between those who have and those who have not. In 15:4, it says, "There shall be no poor among you." While God was speaking to the nation of Israel in this passage, I have no doubt that these words of Deuteronomy are for us too. We have the obligation to take care of the poor and needy and President Bush wants to deny people health care while only serving to make the rich all the richer for it. Now I understand that because it's in the Bible doesn't mean we as a nation and our leaders are obligated to follow it. But as Christians, it is an important thing to consider (especially if our politicians act and speak as Christians). *step off of soapbox*

Let me tell you, Peter is just loving this new-found interest of mine! Hehe.

Relevant Christianity?

2007-09-17T01:04:00.001-04:00

I really hate the question of whether or not Christianity is relevant to our culture. The last time I checked, the blood of Jesus was still effective at cleansing sin and giving new life. I'm pretty sure that sacrifice was a once-and-for all guarantee. So I was struck by something I found in Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller:

I don't think any church has ever been relevant to culture, to the human struggle, unless it believed in Jesus and the power of his gospel. If the supposed new church believes in trendy music and cool web pages, then it is not relevant to culture either. It is just another tool of Satan to get people to be passionate about nothing.

Ouch! Brutal honesty! How many times have I been a critic or a "music snob" in a church service? Okay so maybe sometimes it is for legitimate theological reasons...but how often has it been about the small little details? How much emphasis have I placed on trying to make Christianity "cool"? I think this revelation might be why I discontinued my subscription to Relevant magazine, but I think I still have some issues to work through here about why I do what I do.

The poverty of hope

2007-09-06T03:01:00.000-04:00

I've been thinking a lot about what it means to love one's neighbor as myself. I've been hearing Aaron talk to us about not merely doing ministry to the poor and with the poor, but we do ministry as the poor. As we seek to love people in the ways God has commanded us to, we do it fully recognizing that we do it out of poverty because the only thing we have to truly offer someone is Jesus. Nothing else that I possess will do one ounce of good except Jesus. Nothing I have is worth anything without Him. I've also been reading Thomas Merton's No Man is an Island. So when I came across this quote by Merton I was especially intrigued:

Supernatural hope is the virtue that strips us of all things in order to give us possession of all things. We do not hope for what we have. Therefore, to live in hope is to live in poverty, having nothing. And yet, if we abandon ourselves to the economy of Divine Providence, we have everything we hope for. By faith we know God without seeing Him. By hope we possess God without feeling His presence. If we hope in God, by hope we already possess Him, since hope is a confidence which He creates in our souls as secret evidence that He has taken possession of us. So the soul that hopes in God already belongs to Him and to belong to Him is the same as to possess Him, since He gives Himself completely to those who give themselves to Him. The only thing faith and hope do not give us is a clear vision of Him Whom we possess. We are united to Him in darkness, because we have to hope.

This idea of living in the already-not yet (thank you, Dr. Dongell) brings up so many emotions in me. As Christians we hope for Christ fully revealed in me, in others, and in the world. But it's not there yet. There are so many mysteries and so many questions. God is truly an enigma although we trust in His revelation in the world.

When I think about loving my neighbors who live in poverty, I sometimes don't know what to do with myself. I end up feeling guilty when the neighbor kids come over to our nicely decorated and well air-conditioned home with amenities such as wireless internet because I know that their living conditions are not the same. I fear what their parents would think if they came in. They would immediately notice that I have never lived in the same kind of want as they have. It would be plainly obvious (if it's not already) that I cannot relate to the economic struggle to survive. It's not that we are living the high life or anything, but it's obvious that we have all of our basic comforts and more covered. This train of thought takes me to a place where I ask questions like, "How can I relate to them where they are?" and "How can I befriend them without it appearing to be a charity case?"

Because we hope for things unseen, we are in poverty. We as Christians know what it means to live in desire of something...we know what it feels like to have the very things we grasp for just out of reach...we all have the same fundamental poverty. And although we live in this kind of poverty, we are also full of the richness of God's promise if we hope for Him. When you have this kind of basic need in common, the economic differences don't seem quite as big of a deal anymore. Now I'm not saying this gives us a chance to throw pity parties for ourselves or say that our lives are just as hard as those who may be living in financial need. It's also not an excuse for us to avoid helping our neighbors to get financial and material needs met. Rather, I feel that doing ministry out of our own poverty allows us the opportunity to connect in a genuine and real way with our neighbors. It reminds us that we all have the same desperate need for the hope that Jesus gives. It allows us to receive Jesus in others just as we seek to give Jesus to others. It reminds us of our own dependence on Jesus and it strips us of any kind of narcissistic need we have to save other people so we can feel special or "righteous." And I would venture to say that the people we come into contact with and develop relationships for Christ with can notice the difference in the mindset.

Things to look forward to

2007-08-22T03:17:00.001-04:00

Life has been keeping very busy lately. It seems there are many things to be excited about. Here are a couple of those things:

Over the Rhine is playing at the Dame on September 1. For those of you who know, I have seen OTR play more than enough times to satisfy most any other person but I honestly can't get enough of Karin and Linford. Trumpet Child recently came out and it's been playing in my car ever since. It's jazzy and creative and Linford raps a little too. Can't beat that!

Peter and I have tickets to see Wilco in Louisville later in September. They're playing at the stadium that the Louisville Cardinals play in. This should be better than seeing them at Tallstacks and having a crowd-surfer fall on my head.

God is doing a new thing in our neighborhood. We got together with some other folks who are currently living close to our church or who plan to move close to our church with the intentions of creating a deeper sense of community. I'll throw out my cheesy sometimes meaningless seminary word there. It's really too bad that most of the time I hear talk about community it seems devoid of meaning but at this particular meeting, I was enthralled and felt that longing and grasping for something never quite achieved before. We want to start something with a little bit of structure among the people doing ministry in the neighborhood. We are having dinner together tomorrow night to start getting to know each other a little better. A retreat is in the works for us to answer some questions of what "doing life and ministry together" will look like for us.

There is a real possibility I will be moving off of the overnight shift within a couple of months! Hooray!

Late Night Ramblings

2007-08-09T01:39:00.000-04:00

I've been kind of living in survival mode lately. Have you ever felt like you are reacting to things more than acting on your own? I feel as if I've been operating on an external locus of control rather than an internal one. I picture this ship sailing on a turbulent sea with no real course of travel just going where the wind and waves blow it. This is me. Whatever the wind and waves may be (work, appetite, need for attention, etc.) that is what I'm being driven by. I have been having a general feeling of apathy regarding many things lately. I can't point to one specific area of life or any specific problem. I've just been apathetic.

And you know what it is? It's two different things.

(1) I think I've lost my bearings a bit. Instead of having my sights set on worshiping and glorifying God, I've been more focused on meeting my own needs. It really sounds cliche and cheesy but it's true. There's a lot of distance between me and Him right now. I have basically told God "That's okay, I think I can handle it on my own." When things were a bit crazier in my life, it was a lot easier to rely on His strength in me to get me through. But now that Mom is back home and doing fine, I'm out of school, the wedding planning is behind me, the identity theft stuff is mostly under control, I've got a steady source of income, and we're settled into our new home it seems a little harder to remind myself that I still need God. I still need God. I still need God.

(2) In my new job I've noticed my tendency to measure or compare myself to my clients. I can look at them and say "Wow, at least I'm not that messed up!" That's awful for me to say but it is true! This is obviously not the right measuring stick to be using in gaging my quality of life. It makes me feel okay about the junk in my life. It gives me a reason to take my own life, action, and thoughts out from under the microscope. Just because I don't cut myself, use drugs, or beat people up doesn't mean my coping skills are completely healthy, right?

There's a real emotive difference between surviving and thriving. Deep down we all know which one we are doing.

Life After School

2007-07-24T02:17:00.000-04:00

I'm not a student anymore. I find now that my life is radically, radically different. When I come home from work, there is no assignment waiting for me. I have no tests to study for and nothing that I have to read. While I take great pleasure in this, it leaves me with a very weird feeling. You see, for so long I have found my identity in what I study. I have always found my identity as someone who makes good grades and enjoys learning.

I really like to set and reach goals too. And now as I look at my life as it is I have no short-term goals. None. Instead of having a goal of finishing out my semester well, now I guess the closest thing I have to a short-term goal is to make it to work on time everyday. Sure I have some implicit goals to gain knowledge and skills through my work experience and to treat every patient with the utmost respect and dignity. But I guess those just aren't measured very easily.

And there's this thing lately where I am questioning my choice of profession. I definitely want to work in the mental health field in some capacity, but it's the specific setting and capacity I'm not sure of. I am enjoying being an assessment counselor at a mental health hospital. I am unsure of whether I should apply for state licensure for counseling though. Right now I am not seeing clients more than once. If I got my license I would need to be working as a counselor/therapist where I carry a client load. My limited experience trying to carry a client load was mostly a flop. Granted I was working somewhere where the counseling was free (aka "not much motivation necessary") and the population was not one of my passions. I am just afraid of getting tied into something I don't want to be doing. If I found the right setting I am sure I would enjoy being a therapist. But right now honestly I am enjoying some of the more administrative tasks of the mental healthcare system. My eyes are being opened as well to the great number and variety of positions available in mental healthcare arena.

Did I mention I work nights? It's kind of weird going into work at 8pm and then coming home as it gets light outside. So far it's been easier than I thought for my body to adjust. Praise Jesus!

"When it's time to change...

2007-06-20T22:28:00.000-04:00

...you've got to rearrange..."

Sorry about my Brady Bunch moment there. Thought I'd say hello again. I am graduated, married off, returned from Greece, and now I'm employed. Now you know the reason for my title of this post. I have decided to undergo as many life changes within a month's time as possible. I am like a new person. Convenient that I just finished reading All New People by Anne Lamott.

First off, the wedding went amazingly. It was so perfect and we both agree we don't think we've ever smiled as much as we did on that day. We had so many wonderful friends and family there that helped us out and took part in our celebration. Thank you to all of you...you know who you are. And my beautiful mother was able to be there (after only a small scare in the ER the morning they were supposed to be leaving to come here). I was just utterly blown away to step back and think about all the time that was spent agonizing and worrying about the details of the day and whether or not my mom would be alive, let alone be able to come. And then I'm standing there and I realize that everything has been perfectly weaved together...that there is One who has gone before us and smoothed out everything in order for us to all celebrate and bask in His blessings. I have always thought that I'd be weepy at my wedding, but I was at a place of joy even beyond tears.

Here is one of many wedding pics

And one of me with Mom before the ceremony

And then Greece was absolutely beautiful. We couldn't have asked for a better honeymoon. We have some funny stories but I don't think that any hold a candle to us running through the JFK airport desperately trying to get to our gate on time and my pants falling down in the process. But seriously, we spent the first day in Athens exploring the Acropolis and the parts of the city that were between our hotel and the Acropolis. Then the next morning we took a three-hour high speed boat ride to the island of Sifnos where we spent seven days and nights. Athens was dirty and fast-paced but the island was scenic, vibrant, and laid-back. We happened to be there during what is still technically their low-season which played to our advantage. We tried out a lot of restaurants (eating is a big deal in Greece), did a bit of hiking, spent time relaxing at the beach, and also explored the villages and took lots of pictures. It was the perfect combination of relaxing and being active. I still can't get over how beautiful everything is there. It's like being in a magazine where everything is perfectly designed and laid-out. Here is my favorite image captured while in Greece:

So since we've gotten back we've accomplished quite a lot. I have all the gifts put away and the house mostly cleaned up and decorated. If you know me, you know that I take great pleasure in this task of decorating and nesting. I'm like a kid in a candyshop with all the new stuff and a house to put it all in. I have also found full-time employment at a local private psychiatric and chemical dependency treatment center. On Monday I filled out my application, interviewed, was hired, filled out all the necessary employment records, and took the drug test. It happened suddenly and quite easily. What a pleasant surprise!! A couple of months ago I thought I was not going to be working in the field immediately because I was pretty burned out. Turns out all I needed was to be whisked away to Greece for a vacation and now I'm rearin' to go.

We've also watched the entire first seasons of Lost and The Office. We're making headway on the second seasons of each too. I am so beyond addicted to Lost. But I'm a little behind everyone so no one talk to me about it or I'll get really upset. Oh, and we've caught two mice. Long story. I had no idea I was marrying a man with fierce mouse-hunting warrior skills. Pretty sweet, huh?

Toto, we're not in Wilmore anymore...

2007-04-25T15:46:00.000-04:00

I am all moved into the new place. I will tell you I'm thrilled to be out of the Christian bubble! Many things have been eye-opening since living there. My neighbor the other day just stared at me blankly when I said hi to him and then he told his little weiner dog to sick me! It has been a big adjustment for me to be living in a place where I don't necessarily trust everyone I see. Not that I necessarily trusted everyone in Wilmore either, ya know. Perhaps the timing was a little weird. I've been dealing with identity theft over the last month and so I'm a bit more distrustful than ever and always seem to be on my guard. I feel kinda easily freaked out and vulnerable. Let's just say I've been locking my doors behind me religiously. Being in a strage place by myself has only exacerbated these fears, etc. I'm working on how to muster up the courage to start interacting with people in the neighborhood (the ones that I didn't already knowbefore moving in). This may take a while...

On another note, I am slowly wrapping things up with school. I attended my last UK class last night and only have a few more projects to do for my other classes. I have taken the big dreaded National Counselor's Examination and the counseling program's exit exam. I don't know what to do with all the time I've spent studying for those over the last four months. I can't believe I'm graduating in three weeks! Yikes! Gotta figure out what I'm doing after this....any ideas? Anybody have any jobs available?

A New Abode

2007-03-24T13:53:00.000-04:00

Peter and I have found where we're living after we get married! It's a cute little house with lots of personality on the north side of town really close to our church.

The coolest thing about it is the overall atmosphere of the neighborhood. There is something different about that street because there is a history of people who have been Christ's presence on the street. There's a group of people (most of whom I know) who have decided to live there to be an active part of that community. Over the years, they've gotten to know and form relationships with the other people who live in the neighborhood. They've done this through having weekly dinners that have an open-ended invitation to them. Anyone (and I really mean anyone) can come and eat at their place every Friday night. We attended the dinner last night and we loved what we saw. You can seriously feel the love that is driving these people. And you can tell that the neighborhood knows that it is a safe place.

So I move in about three weeks from now. Wow! I am excited about moving into a house and getting to set everything up and decorate it. The kitchen is going to need a lot of help (there are virtually no countertops) but I am so up for the challenge. Decorating and organizing is one of my very favorite things to do! I think it will be fun to be living somewhere where we'll have to be creative about our space. Modern commodities and comforts are WAY overrated anyways!

Feast of St. Patrick

2007-03-19T13:42:00.000-04:00

This weekend Peter and I attended a weekend gathering called The Feast of St. Patrick. It was a gathering of non-traditional church communities getting together to talk about all kinds of interesting things. Many of the conversations had to do with the role of the church in the Kingdom of God. A common theme throughout the weekend was the dissatisfaction with what church typically looks like and how it is conceived by society.

A lot of things are swimming around in my head from it. I found it to be a time of wrestling with some personal “junk” and baggage, which was helpful. Over the years I have built up a lot of cynicism toward the church and toward many Christians that I need help redeeming and overcoming. It’s often hard for me to put my finger on what exactly I am so frustrated about, but some of the talks had a magical way of putting fancy words to what I have felt for the last 5-6 years or so (since I have started forming my own opinions about what it means to follow Jesus).

While I have reservations with swallowing wholly the views and ideas of those who might declare themselves “emerging” I really believe they’re onto something. There were many times throughout the weekend where I felt revived. I heard the heart of the gospel being talked about and it actually thrilled my heart. You see, ever since college I have radically identified with and longed for the gospel, but have been strangely dissatisfied with the way that Christians associate with the world. When you’ve been so cynical for such a long time it’s good to have confirmation that those warm, fuzzy feelings really are still there somewhere. I really do love and seek after Jesus. I don’t like the approach of going against the church and talking bad about the church. I just want renewal and healing within the church as well as within my heart.

One thing I really enjoyed from the weekend was hearing Kevin and David, founders of a church community in Norwood, OH who have developed communal living as a part of their church practices. I got to hear about how both of their families have made a vow of stability, meaning that they have committed themselves to living in that community and dying in that community. Even though it doesn’t make sense to them, they feel as though God is calling them to that. They have invited others to live with their families in their houses in order to develop intentional Christian community. They believe that by living in community they will be a picture of God to the neighborhood. They have also opened up a café on the same street where people from what seemed to be a dying community can come and have something to do. Their engagement with the community is opening up doors to relationships with people in their neighborhoods. That stuff excites me!

Hearing about this has confirmed to Peter and I that we want to live near our church in Lexington after we get married in May. By living in the community that we go to church in, we hope to make a statement that we care about the neighborhood. I pray that God would honor that and be glorified in that. And while the communal living thing won’t be happening right away, perhaps there’s something there down the road a bit. Who knows?

In the moment

2007-02-17T17:09:00.000-05:00

I don't even know the point of this blog anymore...I confess. I've been inconsistent and I am not going to make any promises from here on out to be consistent in the future either. But for now, I'll write.

I've had a lot on my mind lately. My life is moving faster than I can handle sometimes. In about three months I'll be undergoing several major life changes. These include getting married (yay!), going to Europe for the first time, graduating Seminary, securing my first full-time job (hopefully), and moving (which will involve living with a boy for the first time). Whew! I am going to be busy. I guess I already am.

But while all this is going on, I find myself having an internal countdown in my head. "In one more week it'll be three months until the wedding..." and so forth. Why am I so focused on what lies ahead? Well I guess that question has a kind of obvious answer to it. But why do I do that to the exclusion of what's going on around me right now? Perhaps I am in survival mode, just trying to make it with all I have yet to do. So much planning is going into the event of the wedding it is easy to wish it all away. But now my goal is not merely to survive the next three months of finishing up school, planning the wedding, and finding a job. My goal is to enjoy these three months, to live in the moment, soak up the excitement and anticipation of it all, and to actually learn something in my classes. Time passes so quickly already, but I want to at least look back after the wedding and graduation and say to myself "I really lived life fully over the last few months."

I am asking God to make me teachable. I want to soak up the information in my classes and allow God to use it to continue to shape me and help me grow as a person and as a professional. I am of course asking Him to do miraculous works in my mother's body to make her able to be at the wedding in May. I am also asking Him to help me to be a gracious giver throughout these months. It can be so easy to become super self-focused in times like these. I feel this humongous burden in my heart about whether or not Mom will be able to make it to the wedding and it makes me want to feel sorry for myself. Instead of wallowing in self-pity and frustration, I want to reach out to Mom and Dad in this time because I imagine it is even harder to be in their shoes right now. I want to be sensitive to the things other people are going through too. So I'm putting on my "others glasses." I hope the perscription is right. Okay, that sounded kinda silly. But you get the point.

Most of all, I want to be a living testament to God's glory in this time. He has the power to change us and transform us, to strengthen us in order to make a difference even when we feel small enough and weak enough to be stepped all over...all to the glory of His name.

Greetings from Home

2006-12-20T13:23:00.000-05:00

Peter and I have been in Indiana for a week now to be with Mom. After over a month, she is still in ICU and still in critical condition. These have been trying days to say the least. Nonetheless, it has been good to be home and among family. It's instances in our lives like these that remind us just how important family is. I'm working to keep faith alive and not to be too affected emotionally by her up and down progress. However, I understand that I am afterall human, and it is very difficult not to be on an emotionally charged roller coaster with good the good days and bad days. God created us all with emotions and limits of time, and that is how we respond. We respond to the circumstances around us (especially when those circumstances involve someone you are so intimately connected with) with a helpless vulnerability.

If you are interested in keeping up to date with Mom's progress, my dad has put together a blog called How's Barbara Doing? in order to post updates. My dad has been posting and maybe someday I will post or maybe my aunt Stephanie too. Peter and I are here for now, but I think we might be trying to slip away to have Christmas with his family in Oklahoma for a few days. No doubt, it will be hard to leave but we leave with every intention of being back soon to see her and the family.

Merry Christmas and all that stuff

2006-12-11T20:39:00.000-05:00

Those of you who know me know that the last month has been pretty hectic. My mom has been in ICU for almost a whole month. She had surgery on her neck and ended up developing a severe case of pneumonia as well as septic shock. You can read about that one right here. She is currently still under the effects of two weeks of sedation and is breathing through a trachiostomy in her throat. At the risk of being repetitive and actually quite tired of talking about it, please pray for her and the rest of the family. Peter and I are traveling home to be with them on Wednesday. We'll be there for a while...most likely until it's 2007.

I've gone through the whole range of emotions of being anxious about the possibility of her death, being upset, angry, depressed, grieving in advance, etc. On a good note, it is looking more hopeful as she is making small amounts of progress. Her road to recovery will be long, however. I've been in Kentucky finishing up the semester and have had muchos difficulty concentrating enough to write my papers. I feel like I am running on steam. With one paper to go, I have been the queen of procrastination today. Here is one small piece of that procrastination. This thing can be addicting. You upload a picture and it will match your face up with celebrities' faces. I've done it about a half dozen times, and surprisingly no Drew Barrymore.

http://www.myheritage.com

I hope everyone has a happy holiday. I am going to try to have one too. It's funny how this time of year is supposed to seem so happy and warm and fuzzy, but it is just not turning out that way this year. Thanksgiving was spent in the hospital and it is looking like Christmas will likely be there too. And while I know that Christmas is not about all the things we usually think about like presents, and Christmas trees and such- it is difficult to escape. I am at a weird place I guess and it is hard to describe. That's why I haven't written much on here. Right now I think I am at the crossroads of wallowing in self-pity and finding the peace of God that passes all understanding. Christmas is about Emmanuel- God With Us. And thank God that he is with us.

O come, O come, Emmanuel,
And ransom captive Israel,
That mourns in lonely exile here
Until the Son of God appear.

Rejoice! Rejoice!
Emmanuel shall come to thee, O Israel.

O come, Thou Wisdom from on high,
Who orderest all things mightily;
To us the path of knowledge show,
And teach us in her ways to go.

O come, Thou Rod of Jesse, free
Thine own from Satan’s tyranny;
From depths of hell Thy people save,
And give them victory over the grave.

O come, Thou Day-spring, come and cheer
Our spirits by Thine advent here;
Disperse the gloomy clouds of night,
And death’s dark shadows put to flight.

O come, Thou Key of David, come,
And open wide our heavenly home;
Make safe the way that leads on high,
And close the path to misery.

O come, O come, great Lord of might,
Who to Thy tribes on Sinai’s height
In ancient times once gave the law
In cloud and majesty and awe.

O come, Thou Root of Jesse’s tree,
An ensign of Thy people be;
Before Thee rulers silent fall;
All peoples on Thy mercy call.

O come, Desire of nations, bind
In one the hearts of all mankind;
Bid Thou our sad divisions cease,
And be Thyself our King of Peace.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

November Entertainment

2006-11-05T22:15:00.000-05:00

I'm on a quest to do more out-of-the-ordinary things lately. I would say this weekend has been a success in that endeavor! Let me tell you why.

1. I went on a neighborhood prayer walk with people from my church
2. I painted pottery
3. I went to see a building shaped like a giant mortar and pestle

**insert definitions: "mortar": a sturdy vessel in which material is pounded or rubbed with a pestle. "pestle": a usually club-shaped implement for pounding or grinding substances in a mortar. end definitions**

Now I will have to admit that I thought this was like a true Guiness book of World Records type deal when Tammy said, "Hey, do you wanna go see the world's largest mortar and pestel? It's in Lexington." I was picturing some kind of big exhibit touring the country or something. Ha! Turns out it's a pharmacy in a run-down neighborhood with creepy-looking people staring at us from the next-door restaurant window. Go figure. It was so silly but we HAD to get out and take pictures.

The prayer walk was interesting. I must admit that I haven't had much exposure to evangelistic attempts like this. We simply walked around the surrounding neighborhoods and prayed over the neighborhoods. We were on the lookout for the needs of the neighborhood. For those of you who don't know, I go to The Rock/La Roca which is in a very run-down, poverty-stricken neighborhood on the north side of downtown Lexington. When we met people walking outside, we wanted to try talking to them about the community and what it's needs are. We invited people to church if they didn't have a church. The church is trying to take a more community-based response to ministry. I think it's cool because I think so many of our churches want to have nothing to with the neighborhoods they're in. Nothing is done to reach out to the people living right next door. I will probably write a post on my thoughts/insights from this experience later.

As for the pottery, I think I found my new coolest hangout and hobby. The Mad Potter is a little shop where you can pick out a peice of plain bisque pottery (they have tons and tons of options from picture frames to serving platters) and you can paint it however you want right in the store. Then they will take it, fire it for you, and you pick it up later. Peter and I made a flower vase. It's pretty!

I like doing out-of-the-ordinary stuff. I should try it more often!

October Entertainment

2006-10-29T00:11:00.001-04:00

So it's Friday night in Wilmore and what is there to do? We could see a movie...We could stay in and watch the World Series...We could go out to Wal-Mart...OR we could carve a pumpkin!! Wanting to get into the Fall spirit and take advantage of something fun, Peter and I went to the pumpkin patch Friday night and picked out the perfect pumpkin. You should have seen us. It was silly how carefully we looked at the pumpkins, asking each other "Do any of them jump out to you?" I guess they kind of all looked alike if you know what I mean. But then we found one. A couple of hours later after some creativity and some grunt work, he came to life.

This is Umpkin the pumpkin. I designed him and Peter carved him. I'm very proud of him!

See any resemblance?

Kinda spooky, huh??
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Changing subjects, last weekend I journeyed to St. Louis to visit Jessi! After seeing my Jessi two times in one month I am feeling pretty spoiled. But I couldn't miss out on her birthday. I got to see her new (at least new to me) apartment in the city (so cool!) and see some other fun friends from college. This is a picture of Jessi wearing a part of her present...Irish sunglasses. Very Jessi. Entertaining at least.

I thought about making her wear them to dinner but I forgot. We went to dinner at the Lemp Mansion. It's supposedly St. Louis' most haunted mansion. Aparently in the early 1900s three people commited suicide (yikes!) in the house and it's been haunted ever since. Although I had been there before, I was getting really freaked out. I was okay until all the lights in the house went out and all the servers were like, "This is strange." The music was still playing, and the light shining on a huge painting of a lady from the early 1900s was still shining. It was the only thing I could see. When the lights finally came on we saw a plaque telling of a suicide that had happened in the room we were seated in. I'm not really sure how I feel about ghosts but it was all a little too much for me. I am not as much into living on the edge as I used to be. Maybe it comes with age. After a little bit of chocolate fondue at the Melting Pot it was all good. It was fun just to hang out with three great friends from college.

After my little excursion though this week has been tainted by the overwhelming feeling of being behind in my schoolwork. So Umpkin is about as exciting as things are getting around here this weekend. Jackie has to study.

Dr. Jackie

2006-10-17T21:17:00.000-04:00

Well it's official...I'm a therapist. Well at least I saw my first actual client today. Now some of you might say, "Hey, Jackie, you saw clients all summer. What are you talking about?" Those were clients that I saw once and were passed along to other people. My job was to listen to their story and then recommend the proper treatment for them. Today at my new practicum I became someone's "counselor." This means I am going to be seeing her for twelve weeks and working to establish goals for her. I was supposed to have other clients so far too, but right now she is the only one who has actually showed up for more than just an intake.

That brings me to a crisis point. All I have learned to do so far is listen and diagnose. Now comes the difficult task of actually learning how to set goals and create interventions to reach them. I am a fish out of water for the moment...but I am going to learn to grow legs and use them. That is the good news. But after one session, I am already realizing how far I have to come. Listening to my supervisor is mind-boggling. She can listen to how our session went and offer so many points of advice and insights into what was happening and what needs to happen. I can't wait until it comes so naturally to me too. But it will be a long process. Sometimes I wonder if I'm really going to be ready to have a job as a counselor in June. That's not that far away :0 Yikes! I've got work to do...

Tallstacks Festival

2006-10-10T12:22:00.000-04:00

This weekend I went with three dear friends to the Tallstacks festival on the riverfront in Cincinnati. The festival is a big deal in Cincinnati seeing as how it is only offered once every four years. It's a festival for art, music, and heritage. They give riverboat tours, set off fireworks, and people walk around in funny pioneer costumes. I left my costume at home...bummer! Actually we were only drawn to the fectival because two of our favorite bands ever--Over the Rhine and Wilco--were playing concerts there! So that was exciting.

Here are some pics:

We actually broke a couple of the rules of the festival. I was trying to be frugal and hence packed sandwiches, chips, and a cooler full of soda. Found out when we got there that they didn't allow coolers through the gates. But when you have a cooler that looks more like a backpack or a purse, you're in luck! This is us eating our PB&J sandwiches for dinner on the riverfront.

Karin Berquist of Over the Rhine. This woman's voice is hypnotizing. I have secretly wanted to be just like her for the last four years of my life because I wish I was as talented as she is! I have seen them in concert (sometimes for free, sometimes not) at least ten times and each time is a new and exciting treat. Sometimes it's just Karin and Linford doing thier own intimate thing and soemtimes there's backup singers or their band. Sometimes it's jazzy, lounge-style. Sometimes it's fuller and more energetic. This Saturday they were accompanied by various musicians playing the banjo, the mandolin, saxaphone, upright bass, trumpet, violin, the list goes on...My favorite is when Karin plays the pineapple. (It's a like an egg shaker)

Linford Detweiler (her husband) also of Over the Rhine. He's got a goofy singing voice as can be evidenced by their children's hit "Poop in the Potty" but he is a talented pianist, guitarist, and composer. And he must have good taste if he married Karin. These pictures kinda look like I was really close but it is really all a result of cropping out the bald heads in front of me.

Wilco was awesome!! Only the second time I had seen them. It was also very different than the last time I saw them. That was before they got really popular. I will have to say that the prvious atmosphere of being able to sit down and see everything clearly was better to the atmosphere this time--packed in like sardines, unable to move my arms around, let alone my legs, and staring at nothing but the backs of people's heads. This picture was managed only by raising my arm over my head and snapping the picture. It turned out surprisingly well. I wish you could see the sweat that was being thrown up in the air from the way Glenn Kochke plays the drums. He really gets into it!

Again...this is Wilco. To be honest, I don't know which ones are in the picture. I am pretty sure the blurry guy on the left playing the guitar is Jeff Tweedy. Like I said, I couldn't see what I was taking a picture of. Old Crow Medicine Show took the stage before Wilco came up. Apparently it's country music for drunk frat boys. There were plenty of entertaining people around us for sure. I think Audrey was about to get asked on a date until she told him she was a Christian. This guy decided not to be a Christian because George Bush is against gay marriage. Apparently George Bush is the national Christian spokesperson. Who knew! I thought that was kind of funny though. I was laughing. That was right before a crowd surfer fell on my head, tore my hat off, and proceeded to stomp around on it. Yeesh!

Forgiveness

2006-09-18T09:17:00.000-04:00

Some of Jones' theological reflections on Christian forgiveness and his critique of therapeutic forgiveness:

In therapeutic forgiveness "an individual's psychic health replaces the goal of substantive Christian community lived in faithfulness to the Triune God; sin--though not named such--is something that others do to me (typically "despite their best intentions") rather than a more complex reality that pervades our lives and relations as well as afflicting specific behaviors; and a false compassion without attention to repentance and culpability reflects a failure to exercise a discerning judgment oriented toward graceful reconciliation."

~L. Gregory Jones, Embodying Forgiveness: A Theological Analysis, pp. 66-67

"We need an eschatological understanding of Christian forgiveness. Christian forgiveness is not simply a word of acquital; nor is it something that merely refers backward. Rather, Christian forgiveness--and more specifically, forgiven-ness--is a way of life, a fidelity to a relationship of friendship, that must be learned and relearned on our journey toward holiness in God's eschatological Kingdom. It is a way of life that requires the ever-deepening and ever-widening sense of what friendship with God and with God's creatures entails. It is ever-deepening and ever-widening precisely because we must continually find ways--in communion with God, one another, and the whole creation--to unmask our deceptions of ourselves, of others, and of the world through the lives of forgiven-ness."

~L. Gregory Jones, Embodying Forgiveness: A Theological Analysis, pp. 52-53

I think Jones has slightly discounted the personal motivating factors of forgiveness such as increased mental health and has created a slightly idealistic view of humans being able to forgive because of completely selfless reasons. But I do like a lot of what he says.

Anyway, here are some of my own personal scribblings on the matter in my notebook during class. There's some good stuff in here about what forgiveness is and what it is not.

1. Forgiveness is a way of life to be embodied...it is not just something we do when we are hurt.
2. Forgiveness should be viewed as a "craft" instead of a behavior.
3. For Christ, the point of forgiveness (his death on the cross) was not for God to feel good, but rather, to reconcile us to Himself.
4. Therefore, forgiveness should be a path to reconciliation (or at least open the door to it)
5. People may start the forgiveness process because of their own pain...and that's okay. God can use that too. When someone has been deeply wronged, they may not be at a place to embody selfless Christian forgiveness.

I find that therapeutic forgiveness and Christian forgiveness can not be so easily separated as Jones likes to make it. I think one is realistic and one is something to be strived for. I'm not sure I have it all figured out...in fact I know I don't.

My Guilt is Gone

2006-09-08T23:09:00.000-04:00

I just don't understand what's gotten into me lately...three posts three days in a row. I guess the semester must me more conducive to regular blogging than my summer was.

So I'm really excited about my class on forgiveness this fall. It's going to be amazing. I think it was kind of a miracle that I am even taking the class. I was planning on picking up the credits elsewhere because the class may or may not be noticed as legitimate counseling credit for master's level work by certain states. It doesn't count toward licensure in Kentucky at least, which is where I'll at least be getting started. But something weird happened Monday night in that I just felt compelled to take the class. Something came over me and I decided that my personal betterment and learning is more important to me than licensure requirements. (And I am sad to say, that is unlike me and my usual behavior). I tend to usually be more focused on finding the most practical way to reach a certain goal instead of being open to doing things that may hinder reaching it. So this is very laid-back of me.

And I had one of those deep moments today where you feel like you've discovered something that's been hidden inside of your soul for a long time but you've just been too blind to see it. I was thinking about a conversation I had with a friend yesterday in which I was telling her about some of the difficult emotions I've been going through recently and how I am feeling generally confused and disconnected from God. When speaking of the idealistic and high expectations I place on myself, she said, "Sounds like a lot of guilt is there." It didn't really click with me until today that I think the reason I've been feeling disconnected is that I haven't truly realized how much guilt I've been holding onto for years and years. While I feel like I am aware of the sin in my life and generally confess it, I have been letting the guilt pile up. I haven't truly been experiencing the fullness of God's forgiveness.

And how might I have come to this epiphany, you might be asking yourself. I actually had this "aha" moment when I started singing that old Four Non Blondes song from the early nineties. You know, the one that's like, "he-eee-eeeeee-ey, he-eee-eeeee-eey...I said hey...what's goin' on?" (I like to sing to myself while I'm cleaning. It helps to pass the time.) But anyway, singing that song reminded me of a version of that song we would sing at church camp. It's cheesy, yes I know, but God can use the cheesy stuff to get ahold of you if he needs to. Here are the words to that version:

So I wake in the morning and I step outside
and I take a deep breath and I look on high and I
scream from the top of my lungs
My guilt is gone!

And I said hey...
And I say hey my guilt is gone
And I say hey...
I say hey my guilt is gone

My favorite part is that when the kids would get to the "my guilt is gone" part, they would scream it as loud and as hard as they possibly could. Kids would actually go home from camp with no voice left because of the song. While it seems kind of silly, I think that is how it should be. It's a reminder that it really is gone when we confess it and we don't have to carry it around with us anymore and let it weigh us down. And that's something to be excited about. Oh the things we can learn from children.

Things that make you go hmmm

2006-09-07T09:55:00.000-04:00

This isn't a normal kind of post for me, but I found some things on the web that don't sit quite right with me. I thought I'd share them with you:

Apparently Clay Aiken is becoming a politician (?) He is possibly going to be named to the President's committee for people with intellectual disabilities. So he was a YMCA counselor and that makes him eligible to become an advisor to the president?? Maybe I should sign up since I have worked with many a people who have "intellectual disabilities." Click here if you don't believe me.

At the Toronto Film Festival that's coming up, a docudrama entitled "Death of a President" will be shown. A filmmaker from the UK created this TV miniseries in which President Bush is shown being assassinated by a Syrian man. He apparently wrote and produced this to show the possible effects of war on the US. What a way to make a statement, huh? I'm not so sure about this but it might be just a little disrespectful and wrong. He actually transposed President Bush's face over the actor's in the film. Click here for more info. Oh, and the Toronto Film Festival website has issued a statement after the flack that it has obviously received for showing such a film.

As many of you may know, the Crocodile Hunter died tragically after being stung by a poisonous sting-ray in the chest. He was filming a documentary when this happened so it is all on film. I saw an article this morning that there is a possibility this footage might be released publically if the family gives permission. Why in the world would anyone ever give permission for footage showing your husband's/father's/son's, etc. death to public gawkers? That is so wrong! Have we become such a culture of consumerism that we have forgotten the value and sanctity of life? Even if he was an entertainer, have some respect. Come on!

I'm still here

2006-09-06T10:23:00.000-04:00

So I haven't written on this thing in almost two months. Sorry to keep you waiting for so long. I'll give a quick rundown on my summer. Most you already know much of this (and if you don't, then quit reading my blog, psycho-stalker!)...just kidding.

This summer, Jackie...
1. Went to Colorado and got engaged! I traveled to Estes Park, CO at the end of July-beginning of August with Peter and his family. We stayed in a cute little cabin and did some hiking, putt-putting, game-playing, reading, and relaxing with nature. On the first morning there Peter and I went on the Emerald Lake trail by ourselves and he popped the question!! We're getting married on May 26, 2007 in Lexington. Yay for us!

2. Completed half of her practicum requirements at a private for-profit mental health/ substance abuse hospital. I certainly learned a lot there, both about myself and about the mental health profession. I learned a little more about what kinds of settings I would like to eventually work in. I learned that I want to have on-going relationships with clients instead of only meeting with them once for an intake. I want to walk beside them through their treatment. I also found that the world of for-profit mental health is not really for me. I found it hard to concentrate on what was truly best for the client (patient) when I had to act as a "used-car salesman" for our services. It can be a cruel and depersonalizing environment to work in. I would much rather help people because they're hurting human beings in need of help rather than because admissions are down and the CEO of the hospital is worried about the cash-flow. And that's why I am going to be completing the rest of my practicum requirements this year at a non-for-profit counseling center.

3. Was a nerd. Most of my free time that wasn't spent at my practicum or in Colorado was spent studying for the online class I took. I know, what a riveting life I lead.

4. Took a trip to King's Island amusement park. If you don't already know, I turn into a little kid at amusement parks, so this was certainly a highlight for my summer. When we ran into traffic on the way there and it took an extra hour to get there, I was bouncing up and down and asking, "How much longer??" I think I might have driven Peter close to the edge. I just love the memories of spending my whole summer looking forward to that one day I would get to spend riding roller coasters and eating funnel cakes. I guess I'm easy to please. Peter said he almost decided to propose to me on top of one of the roller coasters. I'm so crazy about them that it would have been okay with me!! Roller coasters almost compare to the beauty of the Rocky Mountains...almost.

5. Decided that my faith needs to be more authentic and more of a central part of who I am. It's cliche I know, but it's truly how I feel. Our new pastor has been giving some amazing sermons on prayer, fasting, and giving to the poor. And what I am hearing is what I want for my life...I just haven't quite gotten there. So I guess I have just been more inspired to keep after it. I'm on a journey where I think I kind of just stopped to view the scenery for a while and need to stand back up and keep moving.

I am sure there is so much more to tell about my summer, but you get the picture. I'm going to live happily ever after with a super boy, my degree is almost done, I want to keep things in focus, I'll be planning a wedding for the next eight and a half months, etc. This is going to be a big year for me.

A Close Call

2006-07-14T19:26:00.000-04:00

The Asbury group that went to Israel, including Peter, are headed home early. They were digging in Tel Dan (near the Lebanese border) when the conflict between Israel and Lebanon came to a head and resulted in rocket fire. Their trip has been cut short for obvious saftey reasons. For more info on the conflict in Northern Israel, click here: http://www.jpost.com/.

So I'm headed to Cincinnati tomorrow morning to pick Peter up from the airport. They're in the air right now. Keep them in your prayers. It will be so good to see them all back safe and sound!

The Secret of the Universe

2006-07-14T18:39:00.000-04:00

Whenever I clean I spend a lot of time thinking. And since I was cleaning all day today, I did a lot of thinking. I was thinking about a confrontational conversation I had with a friend in which I didn't feel worked out so well. You know, one of those conversations when neither one of you quite knows what to say? And no matter what you say you feel like you've been misunderstood? Heck, I didn't even know what I was feeling. I hate that. Sometimes I can get so caught up in how to communicate something that I become disconnected from what I really need at that moment.

What I really needed was to have my feelings validated. I just needed her to say, "It's okay for you to be feeling what you're feeling right now. I understand." Why couldn't I just tell her that's what I needed? That incident made me think how important this kind of validation is for me. I think my life would be perfect bliss if everyone I came in contact with understood what I was feeling and acknowledged it out loud. I think it's what I long for without even realizing it. When I'm not feeling validated I get that horrible feeling that I am isolated or broken off from someone and start to think that what I'm feeling is not acceptable. I feel like God's intention was for everyone to validate everyone else's feelings and be completely comfortable with their own feelings. Too bad we're clouded by sin and this is not the case.

I don't know why I don't think about this more often. It's what they teach you when you need to de-escalate conflict. Empathize with someone. Point out the giant pink elephant that's in the room. I learn it in counseling classes. I still have trouble applying it to my own life. I want to be more in touch with my feelings so that I can put my finger on what I'm feeling before it's been 2 hours past the time of when I needed to communicate it.

The Paradox of Freedom

2006-07-05T22:17:00.000-04:00

From The New Man for Our Time by Elton Trueblood:

When we begin to ask what the conditions of inner renewal are, we receive essentially the same answers from nearly all of those whom we have the most reason to respect. One major answer is the emphasis on discipline. In the conduct of one's own life it is soon obvious, as many have learned the hard way, that empty freedom is a snare and a delusion. In following what comes naturally or easily, life simply ends in confusion, and in consequent disaster. Without the discipline of time, we spoil the next day the night before, and without the discipline of prayer, we are likely to end by having practically no experience of the divine-human encounter. However compassionate we may be with others, we dare not be soft or indulgent with ourselves. Excellence comes at a price, and one of the major prices is that of inner control.

We have not advanced very far in our spiritual lives if we have not encountered the basic paradox of freedom, to the effect that we are most free when we are bound. But not just any way of being bound will suffice; what matters is the character of our binding. The one who would like to be an athelete, but who is unwilling to discipline his body by regualr exercise and by abstinence, is not free to excel on the field or the track. His failure to train rigorously and to live abstemiously denies him the freedom to go over the bar at a certain height, or to run with the desired speed and endurance. With one concerted voice the giants of the devotional life apply the same principle to the whole of life with the dictum Discipline is the price of freedom.

This excerpt really jumps out at me because I struggle so much with feeling apathetic toward having a devotional life. Whenever I try to be disciplined, I end up failing. And I've heard the same story a hundred times over from other people. Why is it so hard to live a disciplined life with the priorities all in order? Maybe we haven't yet learned the paradox of freedom. Maybe when I apply discipline to my life, it really does free me. It's hard to wrap my mind around that though. I get so caught up in whether or not I feel like doing this or doing that. I am a slave to my emotions and drives. I think I need to stop being so caught up in what I am feeling in the moment and trust within the limits of discipline. If I don't feel like reading my Bible, I don't want to fast, I don't feel like I have money to tithe this week or I don't want to spend the time visiting someone who is sick I should do it anyway. The problem I run into there is that it goes against my life ethic: everything must be genuine. I like to think that if I do something without having genuine motivation that it's worse than not doing it at all. I like to be genuine. But maybe I've been discounting the whole idea of discipline in the process. Spiritual disciplines are difficult....I guess that's why they're called disciplines. But I know that discipline is the means to the end of love. God doesn't want us to engage in the disciplines to make us suffer, He wants us to be disciplined because He loves us and wants the best for us. And hopefully as we allow our lives to become disciplined by God we develop new ways of life as well as the freedom that Trueblood speaks of.

Distance has a way...

2006-06-30T22:59:00.000-04:00

Nearly a week ago I was standing in the Cincinnati airport choking back tears as I turned and left Peter at the checkout counter. He's in Israel now on an archaeological dig that lasts a little over a month.

It's funny how life keeps on happenning when something very important is missing from it. My phone keeps on ringing, I go into the office everyday, the sun keeps on shining, and friends meet together just like always. The only thing missing is Peter. He's half way around the world right now and I haven't spoken to him in a week. But life goes on.

It's hard to hold in tension the fact that everything seems normal yet everything simultaneously feels like it's been turned upside down. There's this place inside of me where all the now-unspoken "I love yous" are being saved up that feels like it might bubble over and make a mess everywhere. There's also a place inside of me that is trying to do everything possible not to think about what's missing. And yet there's a place inside of me that knows this is only temporary and that it will make me and our relationship stronger. God has made His presence known in my life more in this week than in a long time. And that is comforting.

Sometimes I think that when you're away from someone you begin to learn a little more what it means to love. And maybe you're able to love more fully when you have to love someone from a distance. I am reminded by a line in a song written by the great genius of our age Jeff Tweedy: "Distance has a way of making love understandable."

The summer so far

2006-06-13T19:16:00.000-04:00

Although it's hard for me to believe, summer is well underway. And I haven't really posted anything. I spent three weeks basically doing nothing. I guess a lack of structure means Jackie doesn't post on her blog. It means Jackie has a messy room too. I can't keep basic things running in my life whenever I don't have a routine. I'm weird, man.

As of Monday I have a new routine. It involves getting up at 6 am, getting ready, and driving 35 minutes to my practicum site. I have been going through orientation this week. It's been interesting and eye-opening to say the least. I am working at an acute inpatient behavioral health care facility, somewhere where people having a mental breakdown or those who are considering suicide will come for a week or two to get the treatment they need to be able to function again. It's all been training so far, but I'm learning a lot about how a facility like that functions. It's interesting to show up there and see the way things in the text books really play out in life. There's so much I have learned already by touring the facility and listening to people who have worked in the profession for years. It's different than I thought. Tomorrow we get to learn about how to handle crisis situations in non-violent ways. That should be really interesting.

Being in my Christian bubble for so long has made me take for granted so many things. I had several moments over the past couple of days that quickly made me realize I was not in Wilmore anymore. Today I was talking with a woman (a new co-worker) and she asked me if I lived with my boyfriend. It kind of took me off-guard because people in Greenville and Wilmore don't ask that question...it's automatically assumed that unless you're married you're not living with a significant other. But when I thought about it I got really sad that it took me so off guard. It was a perfectly legitimate question. It's what people do. I think I forgot that. Why am I so sheltered?! It also takes a bit to get used to being in a "non-sheltered" work environment. I am used to working for Christian institutions. I won't go into all the details...but you get the point. It's going to be a learning experience all in itself. Call it the "Jackie gets unsheltered project."

During my time off I did fiction reading. I am trying some new authors from the library. They're okay but I'm not blown away. I cooked and cleaned a lot. I hung out and went running. Pretty non-eventful but relaxing. I had two pretty exciting happeneings in that time period though. Peter and I went to Natural Bridge State Park and did quite a bit of hiking. It is sooooo gorgeous there!! Here's a picture of us standing on top of the bridge:

Then as some of you know, Saturday was my birthday. I'm another year older. Peter came over and made me breakfast, brought me flowers, and gave me my presents. He did good. Among other things, he got me shoes...can you believe it?? That evening we went out to celebrate in a big group. The celebration was way fun. We went to Sawyer's Grille in downtown Lexington. They specialize in burgers. I had the best burger I've quite possibly ever had. I have some amazing friends who made my birthday so much fun and bought me lots of chocolate among other stuff. The we went to see a Lexington Legends game with fireworks afterwards. It was good times!! Here's a picture of me, Audrey, Chris, and Tammy at the game:

Well, I have an exhilerating evening of studying and reading ahead of me. Why did I think it would be a good idea to take a class while working almost full-time this summer for free?? I forget...

Randomness

2006-05-17T12:30:00.000-04:00

I'm done with my fourth full semester of grad school, seminary, whatever you want to call it. Four down, two to go. Not too shabby. Sometimes it feels like its been forever and then other times I stop and think "what the heck...where did the last two years of my life just go?" My life is so different now than it was two years ago. For starters, I have picked up a bit of a southern drawl again from Kentucky just after I thought that living in both the St. Louis and Chicago areas had corrected the years of damage done to me by living in southern Indiana. After being in seminary I am now critical of every church service I attend and know how to put those thoughts and feelings into words. As a counseling student, I now know exactly what my parents have done to ruin me and my personality; and after years of cramming information in my head, I think I am just beginning to realize that I really know nothing in actuality of how to help people. Yes, seminary has corrupted me! But on the bright side, I have become interested in politics, further broadened my musical tastes, and developed an affection for good fiction and good film. Oh yeah, and I've overcome my irrational fear of the phone and actually kept in touch with some people. I have made good new friends, actually successfully enjoyed participating in two small groups, and managed to stay in love for almost a year and a half straight (and counting).

I am starting to like rainy days a bit. Call it adaptation if you will. It puts me in the mood for good music. Over the Rhine, Ryan Adams, Iron and Wine, Whiskeytown, Elliot Smith... I could go on and on. Even though I think it's kind of gloomy and sad, there's something pretty and refreshing about it. Kinda like the music I just mentioned.

I really want to purchase Ben Harper's new 2-disc set, Both Sides of the Gun. I listened to the 30-second clips on Itunes and it sounds like good stuff.

I have two weeks before I start my practicum or internship at The Ridge. I'll be assessing and interviewing people who come for psychiatric treatment and stabilization. I am so excited about actually putting knowledge into practice instead of writing papers about fake people and problems. I'm also excited about working with people who actually cuss and smoke and live in the real world. I am so tired of being surrounded by Christians and only Christians. I am craving the chance to be around people who don't know Jesus and to be "different" than normal people. I want to be challenged with how to act and respond to the world in a way that's consistent with the life of Jesus. I want to be able to say I am not "conforming to the pattern of this world" but that's difficult to do in a town that has a cross on top of its watertower!

So what will I do with these two weeks? I plan on watching a lot of the Price is Right, reading some Anne Lamott, finishing up Jim Wallis' God's Politics, trying not to spend too much money shopping, visiting my family, and maybe even brushing up on my childhood and adolescent disorders in the DSM so I'll be ready for employee orientation. Oh yeah, and my personality class starts soon too. Gotta stay on the ball.

So The Davinci Code comes out Friday. I guess I don't get what all the stir is about. I saw this commercial on television this morning that the CBS evening news is having a special report on how the mystery of the Davinci Code is living in a remote French village. Excuse me, but I thought it was just a fiction book. Since when did fiction become the national news and the reason for millions of Americans to invest money and resources to prove it's not true? I thought that was the point of fiction: it's not true! I guess I see the need to promote awareness in people that it is not truth and that Jesus wasn't married (and all the other things about it that I don't understand because I never finished the book on CD) but that it's just a story. I'm not going to let some fiction story shake my faith, because if a story can do it then I guess I'm just in trouble in general. I am not sure if I am going to see it or not, but if I wanted to see it I wouldn't have any qualms in paying a dollar for it at the dollar theater.

Well, I am all out of random thoughts. Time to relax and take a deep breath.

Almost there

2006-05-08T17:50:00.000-04:00

This is one among many of the beautiful pictures I took while hiking at Shaker Villiage this weekend. It's just one of those places where I feel overwhwelmed at how beautiful and how big all of creation is. It was so nice to be out in the open pastures and to feel totally free and at peace.

It's a nice contrast to how I feel with one week and 3 days left of the semester. I am trying hard to stay focused, but you know how that goes sometimes. I find my mind wandering, wanting to be back on these green hills again instead of sitting and staring hopelessly at my computer screen.

I have about 10 pages of church history left to write, a 15 page research paper to do some heavy editing on, a presentation to give, and two tests left to study for and take. And then it's time to feel at peace again. Ahhhh....

Spidergirl

2006-04-29T08:33:00.000-04:00

I'm the champion of the Asbury Seminary Intramural game called Spiderweb. When you sign up for the game you get a watergun in your mailbox as well as a card with someone's picture on it. That person becomes your target. Your goal is to find your target and squirt them outdoors while avoiding being caught and squirted by the person who is after you. When you squirt someone they have to hand over their cards and you assume their target. And thus you end up racking up cards throughout the week.

So pretty much I was a creepy stalker this week. I knew where my targets lived and I made that work to my advantage. I even hid behind the bushes across the street from one guy's apartment and waited for him to leave. I knew when and where my targets went to class and I made that work to my advantage. I even knew where some of my targets went to hang out and I used that to my advantage. This included driving to Nicholasville to squirt someone in the Applebee's parking lot. All in all, I ended up with nine cards. I got my vindication for last year when I got squirted within 24 hours of the game starting. This was much more fun than that. But now I am not so sure that being known as the best "creepy stalker" on campus is a good thing. I think I'll have to work over the next few weeks to regain my sweet and innocent reputation in the eyes of some people.

Oh yeah, it doesn't help that I really, really, really want to see the movie Caché. (It's a French stalker movie). hehehe....

Vision Problems

2006-04-26T21:36:00.000-04:00

I'm still really enjoying reading God's Politics by Jim Wallis. Here's a quote I came across today about the underlying problems with politics in our country and some solutions for those problems, as idealistic as they may be:

Today [our country faces] two vision problems. One is lack of vision in public life...But the other is when political leaders have a clear vision- but the wrong one. When politics is being shaped by visions that defend wealth and power, rather than opening up more opportunity; that are more exclusive than inclusive; that pursue policies that destabilize families and communities; that exalt private interests rather than the common good; that simply leave too many people behind; that seek national or coorporate interest over international peace and justice; or that increase conflict rather than reducing it- then such political vision can be as destructive as having no vision at all. It seems that we are afflicted by no vision, on the one hand, and narrow vision on the other. Neither will suffice, neither has the capacity to meet the challenges of our time. And neither is faithful to the compelling public visions contained in both our best religious and democratic traditions...

I am convinced that we can make key "wind-changing" or paradigm shifts on a wide range of issues. We can create new ways of looking at and talking about crucial questions that could significantly alter the framework and spirit of the current debates, which have deadlocked the public discussion and blocked solutions to some of our most serious problems. In many cases, it means a commitment to stop making false choices and inviting the critical insights from diverse political traditions- many of which are necessary to move us forward beyond more blaming and posturing. And new ways of thinking lead to new ways of acting.

Jim Wallis, will you run for president??

Running the Good Race

2006-04-22T12:02:00.000-04:00

I'm not really sure what I was thinking when I thought it would fun to run in the annual ATS 5K fun run. While it felt somewhat healthy to be waking up at dawn on a Saturday morning in order to warm up enough for a 8:30 race time, I would have rather been in bed. They suckered me in by saying it was for a good cause. Health and Wellness sponsored the event along with Mercy and Justice, so the entry fee went toward helping hungry people in Wilmore. They also collected food and toilet paper at the race to be donated to the Wilmore Community Center. And while I was doubting myself and my decision to run in the race while I was huffing and puffing up the hilly streets of Wilmore, I found myself blessed by being a part of a community coming together for such a good cause. Plenty of people will now have food on their tables now that we all came out and stretched ourselves a little bit.

It was also kind of fun to cross the finish line with people cheering and clapping. That was the best part of the race! There were also encouragers all along the way. People sitting on their porches shouting encouragement as we ran past. It motivated me to hear people yelling, "Go Jackie, you're doing great!" as I was feeling too tired to keep going. And I lived to tell the story...even though I am still coughing like a person with emphazema.

Responsible Christian Citizenship

2006-04-19T22:59:00.000-04:00

The other day a very strange thing happened to me. I was vaccuming the floor and thoughts of politics popped into my head. And anyone who knows me knows that this really isn't a very common thought to be in my head. (yes...this post is political in nature...if you think you might become offended in the course of reading this post I apologize....it's not my intention to offend. And really I am not taking sides. I am simply hoping to encourage thought). So I started thinking about Republicans and Democrats and the belief among many Christians that being a Republican is the only right and "Godly" choice. Why is this so??

Why has the word "liberal" become equal to "the devil" in our Christian circles? I have always been puzzled with this question. Aren't democrats concerned with issues such as the poor, the environment, the sanctity of life (at least when it comes to things like the death penalty and war), and many other things that line up with what I would consider to be Christian values? The word "liberal" means things such as "tending to give freely" and "favoring proposals for reform." Jesus gave liberally (his whole life) and served liberally. He sought change and gave freely and generously. Why would someone who loves Jesus be afraid of this word?? To me, it has more positive connotations than "conservative." I have always disliked the word "conservative" in the first place because it kind of implies selfishness. It means "of a restrained style" and "tending to oppose change." Is that how we view Jesus? As someone who was happy with the way things were? A person who withheld things from those who needed them? Just some questions to chew on...I think I may have gotten off-track a bit.

Oh yes, back to my point. I think that everyone--but most of all Christians--need to be making informed choices about political candidates. There are any number of things a follower of Jesus should be concerned with when deciding who to support. I think it's pretty sad the way in which the Republican leaders of this country and their campaigners have manipulated conservative Christians into believing that the only two issues that should be of relevance to Christians are abortion and family values. What ever happened to the poor and the orphaned and people dying of AIDS? Aren't they of our concern too? Aren't they the very people that Jesus came to serve and welcome into His Kingdom? They seem to be at the heart of the gospel so I am not so sure we can write them off so quickly.

Politics for a Christian is much bigger and more complex than these two issues. I shudder to think of what other people in the world think when they turn on Pat Robertson and the 700 club talking about how anyone who votes for a democrat is in dangers of the fires of hell. While abortion and family values are important to consider, there are other issues like capital punishment, war and peace, honesty, helping the poor, loving our enemies, giving aid to the sick, taking care of the environment, etc. etc.

I want to be careful of painting Republicans out to be my enemy here. I'm not saying there is a wrong and a right party to vote for. I think our obligation as Christians living in this country goes way beyond party lines. Our obligation lies in knowing what is important to our Saviour and picking leaders that encompass as many of those values and policies as possible. And it will never be a perfect-or easy-choice. The republicans have their own wonderful strengths as well as those areas that they could grow in. The democrats have theirs too. It's imperative that Christians in America be able to make informed decisions without societal and religious pressures or stereotypes. Decisions based on either of these are not good decisions at all.

How does one go about voting responsibly? I'm the first to admit that I am clueless when it comes to knowing what's really going on in our country. I'm clueless when it comes to what political candidates believe and support. With you all as my witnesses I am going to try to work on that because I feel firmly convicted about the need to be responsibly engaged with politics in this country. If I am going to live here I want to be able to make decisions that may help our country be a place where the highest good triumphs.

I started reading God's Politics by Jim Wallis today. I am liking it so far. He is raising these very issues I've been talking about and thinking about. He works for Sojourner's magazine who published an advertisement around election time 2004 urging Christian voters to vote responsibly:

The Leaders of the Religious Right mistakenly claim that God has taken a side in this election, and that Christians should only vote for George W. Bush.
We believe that claims of divine appointment for the President, uncritical affirmation of his policies, and assertions that all Christians must vote for his re-election constitute bad theology and dangerous religion.

We believe that sincere Christians and other people of faith can choose to vote for President Bush or Senator Kerry--for reasons deeply rooted in their faith.

We believe all candidates should be examined by measuring their policies against the complete range of Christian ethics and values.

We will measure the candidates by whether they enhance human life, human dignity, and human rights; whether they strengthen family life and protect children; whether they promote racial reconciliation and suuport gender equality; whether they serve peace and social justice; whether theyadvance the common good rather than only individual, national, and special interests.
We are not single issue voters
We believe that povery-caring for the poor and vulnerable-is a religious issue.
We believe that the environment-caring for God's earth-is a religious issue.
We believe that war-and our call to be peacemakers-is a religious issue
We believe that truth-telling is a religious issue
We believe that human rights-respecting the image of God in every person-is a religious issue.
We believe that our response to terrorism is a religious issue
We believe that a consistent ethic of human life is a religious issue

I don't think I could say it any better myself. Amen.

Took a train downtown

2006-04-11T00:01:00.000-04:00

Spring break or reading week (whatever you wanna call it) is at its close. Life in Wilmore went back to normal today. Peter and I spent break with my parents who live near Chicago. We took the commuter train into the city one day. It was great! The only way it might have been more complete is if we would have run into Jeff Tweedy randomly on the street. I just posted a bunch of pictures on my flickr account. You can see them here.

I don't have much to say right now because it's late and Jackie needs to sleep, but I will say that I got kind of weirded out walking across Wilmore this afternoon. It seemed so quiet in contrast to the city and suburbs of Chicago. I mean, I walked half way across town down the middle of the street and not a single car. Only two people I think. Craziness. I found myself almost praying for a car to pass by so I wouldn't feel so freaked out.

I am gonna live in civilization again sometime soon! Whoohoo!

Words of wisdom from Thomas à Kempis

2006-03-21T18:14:00.000-05:00

From The Imitation of Christ:

Turn your attention upon yourself and beware of judging the deeds of other
men, for in judging others a man lasbors vainly, often makes mistakes,
and
easily sins; whereas in judging and taking stock of himself he does
something
that is always profitable.
We frequently judge that things are as we wish them to be, for
through personal feeling true perspective is easily lost...
...Many, unawares, seek themselves in the things they do. They seem
even to enjoy peace of mind when things happen according to their wish and
liking, but if otherwise than they desire, they are soon disturbed and
saddened.

There's been a theme of humility and self-denial running through my life
lately (go figure, it's lent). God has consistently been pointing out my
need to step back and truly examine myself. I too often look at what other
people are doing, while ignoring my own problems and maladies of the
heart. When God looks at my heart, what does He see? That's a really
scary question. I feel I have made some progress in this direction but I
know I've only hit the tip of the iceberg.

When I take a step back and look objectively at my life, I see a girl who too often chases after her own heart's desire for happiness and comfort while throwing God's desire for her life to the wind. I guess it's kind of the story of being human, but that doesn't make it any less disturbing. I look at my life and se it's all a reaction against avoiding perceived threat and pain. Is that what God wants for me? We are not called to a life of ease, but we are called to imitate Christ and to take part in his sufferings. If I could just fully grasp the meaning of this for a day of my life, I would be forever changed I'm sure.

I love that line about true perception being lost in human feeling. We are "feely" creatures, some of us more than others. But regardless we're wired to adjust our actions around the way we're feeling. So if everything is going okay and is just peachy I am going to think everything is right with the world. I can't tell you how true this has been in my life as I'm sure it is in yours. But what is God's thought about whether or not everything is right? Is it really beneficial to search after feeling happy and secure? What does God want??

When we look at our lives through the lens of feelings, we make a jdgenment that all is right under the sun. And when this is the case, we aren't really motivated to do anything differently because we're happy just the way we are. I think happiness is the most apathetic emotion. If we let happiness control our lives we've created a monster who is never satisfied and never takes into account other people.

Now this is all sounding pretty pessimistic and hopeless about now, right? Well I don't think so. Because what we should be orienting our lives around is even better than happiness. Happiness is temporary and fleeting, while joy is eternal and everlasting. Joy looks for the highest good and does it. Joy takes hold of us and moves us toward action. It makes us about our Father's business.

So when I take a step back and examine the state of my heart, I want to see joy rather than happiness guiding my actions. I want things in my life to be the way God wants them to be rather than simply the way I want them to be. Let is be so.

Prince Caspian is coming

2006-03-12T22:17:00.000-05:00

It's official. The second motion picture of The Chronicles of Narnia series is in the making. In late 2007, The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian will be released in theaters. How exciting! I can't wait to find out how they portray all the animal characters in this one...especially Reepicheep. I mean, come on, how do you put a three-foot talking mouse in your movie?? I'm intrigued.

My Brain is Full

2006-03-09T15:54:00.000-05:00

I am taking Research this semester. Call it my Lenten wilderness if you want, but I am actually enjoying it. I have found through this class that i might just qualify for nerd status. Give out a nerd alert. Bring out the scarlet "N." Jackie enjoys researching! I am loving the experience of finding, gathering, and summarizing research. I enjoy getting lost in it and forming my own ideas about my topic. I love seeing the way all of the ideas fit together and how each finding builds on the previous finding. Of course it also puzzles me how so many people can pretend to be the first person to discover something or "prove" something when really they're finding the same exact thing the girl next door did five years ago.

So for this semester I get to pursue a topic of my choice (the effects of parental divorce on young adults' intimate relationships). The research is pretty much suggesting that people whose parents divorce are at a higher risk of marital dissolution themselves. The question I ask myself is "why?" Is it because of social economic factors such as the tendency for them to finish less education, live closer to the povery line than others, or to cohabit or marry earlier in life, all of which have been associated with a higher risk of divorce themselves? Or is it because they have failed to gain certain relationship skills such as healthy communication, conflict resolution, or compromising because of poor relationship models? The problem with this is that not all divorces are precipitated by marital conflict and poor skills. Is it because of skewed attitudes of commitment that children of divorce often develop after watching their parents walk away from marriage? All of these ideas are valid and have support behind them. Maybe it's a combination of all of them. Who knows. It's a very complex issue. And I guess that's why I chose it. Well, that and other personal reasons. Isn't it funny how personal experience shapes what you're interested in? But I knew I wanted to be interested in my topic since I'm stuck with it all semester. I'd be wanting to hurt myself right now if I wasn't interested in it.

What I might be interested in zeroing-in on is if the observation of a postive relationship model attained through the custodial parent's remarriage is beneficial to the self-concept and the attitudes about committed relationships of adult female offspring of divorce. I think I'll find that it will be. Again, there's a personal element to this decision of what to study. I am a child of divorce but I don't really ever think of myself that way. I have had a very positive and influential relationship with a loving step father who I have considered "Dad" since I was age seven. I hope I'm not just doing this to prove to myself that I'm not warped. But I know I can't totally escape my personal agenda since it hits so close to home.

Our personal expereinces shape who we are, what we're interested in, and how we think. I am more or less just hypothesizing about something that might buffer the relationship between parental divorce and poor functioning in intimate relationships based on my own experience. I think people like to use their own experiences when they think about things because that's the way we learn best: when it happens to us. Maybe we're all self-centered but maybe there's more to it. I think that God has given us our personal experiences so that we can use them to help other people and to contribute to the lives of others. When something happens to us we develop a sensitivity. We operate out of those sensitivities so that we might be there for people and indentify with people who have the same sensitivities. And God gives people different experiences so that we can all be passionate about different things so that everything has someone to be passionate about it and therefore we can more fully reflect the body of Christ communally. I think it's a beautiful thing.

Now my head is feeling a little less full, beside the fact that it still feels like it will explode because of the ever-changing Kentucky Spring weather. Ahhhh....gotta love it when your head's a human barometer.

A Season of Hope

2006-03-01T14:23:00.000-05:00

Have mercy on me, O God according to your unfailing love;
according to your great compassion blot out my transgressions.
Wash away all my iniquity and cleanse me from my sin.

For I know my transgressions, and my sin is always before me.
Against you, you only have I sinned and done what is evil in your sight,
so that you are proved right when you speak and justified when you judge.
Surely I was sinful at birth, sinful from the time my mother conceived me.
Surely you desire truth in the inner parts; you teach me wisdom in the inmost place.

Cleanse me with hyssop and I will be clean; wash me and I will be whiter than snow.
Let me hear joy and gladness; let the bones you have crushed rejoice.
Hide your face from my sins and blot out all my iniquity.

Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me.
Do not cast me from your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me.
Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.

Then I will teach transgressors your ways, and sinners will turn back to you.
Save me from bloodguilt, O God, the God who saves me, and my tongue will sing of your righteousness.
O Lord, open my lips and my mouth will declare your praise.
You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it;
you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings.
The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise.

~Psalm 51: 1-17

It's Ash Wednesday...a day to reflect on and come in touch with human frailty and sin. Some may say it's the gloomiest day on the calendar. I like to think of it differently. In tradition, people who repented of their sins covered their bodies with ashes and wore sackcloth as a sign of wanting to repent from their sins and turn back toward God. It was a bit of a humiliating symbol I am sure. I can just imagine walking through the marketplace and seeing someone covered in sackcloth and ashes and seeing the groups of people turning and whispering to one another, "What do you suppose he did this time?" So as I received the ashes on my forehead today I was humbled at the fact that I am a sinner.

How else could we start this season of Lent than to confess openly to God that we have sinned against Him and to make a public symbol of the fact that we are turning our hearts toward him in repentence? How else could we prepare our hearts for this season in the wilderness with Jesus than to admit that we are fallen and powerless without God's mercy and help? It may be sobering, but I find hope in it. It doesn't mean beating yourself up...it means relying on God instead of on yourself. When we admit we are powerless on our own, then and only then are we able to be sustained by Him.

The season of Lent has traditionally been a season in which to identify with Jesus' 40 days in the wilderness. And because it is followed by the celebration of the Resurrection, Christ's triumph over death, it is also a season of hope. Christ's death has made our life possible. As we enter into the wilderness, let us take hope in the fact that God has taken mercy on us and forgiven us of our sins. And with all sins confessed, we are better able to examine our hearts to find the ways in which we can become more like Jesus. More thoughts on that later.

For now, remember your frailty and place your hope in Christ.

Family Ties

2006-02-27T12:58:00.000-05:00

Last weekend Peter and I went to visit my family (see picture to the left). This trip was a big one. Peter discussed some things with my Dad that have made him a bit more a part of the family than before. I am feeling pretty good about that...actually it is awesome! I remember a time in my life when I thought there would never be any man on this earth that would fit into my small quirky little family. But those days are over. And it is a wonderful fit.

Someone at church on Sunday was a little confused though, as she shouted something at my dad from the congregation about his son-in-law. And I am an only child, yes, an only child. That made for an embarassing moment. Faces turned red. Awkward glances abounded. That's the beauty of being a pastor's daughter in a church in a place where I don't live. People speculate and assume things at first glance. And then someone gets embarassed...namely me (and now Peter too). But looking back it was kinda funny.

Something else big happened in my life this week. I had an interview with The Ridge on Friday. It's a behavioral health inpatient facility. And they want me to do an internship with them this summer doing intake interviews and assessment. They're actually trusting me to decide whether or not patients should be admitted for treatment. I am a little bit intimidated, but I think I'll love it once I get past the anxiety of being in a room with suicidal clients all day. And it will be really good experience. I am just relieved to have some definite plans for the summer and seeing a bit more clearly the end and fulfillment of my degree plan.

On a lighter note, I went roller skating for the first time in probably 10 years on Saturday night. And I've still got it. Whatever "it" is.

I should probably get back to reading. I goofed off a bit too much this weekend. Here's a little list of things I'm reading. I know you're jealous.

The Fabric of This World by Hardy
Reading and Understanding Research by Locke, Silverman, & Spirduso
Research Methodology by Kumar
Career Information, Career Counseling, and Career Development by Isaacson & Brown
The Rule of St Benedict
Turning Points by Noll
The Story of Christian Theology by Olson

Tag- I'm It!

2006-02-14T15:16:00.000-05:00

Peter has tagged me in a game of fours it seems. I suppose I'll play along.

Four jobs I've had:
1. The first job I ever had was at a bridal boutique in Seymour, IN. I was 16. I measured men for tuxes, ran the cash register, organized gowns, helped women decide on dresses, etc. It was a pretty sweet job! The town's local television personality owned and operated the store. Two months after I started working there, she sold the store and consequently I lost my job. Bummer.

2. Starting the summer before my freshman year in college I was a camp counselor at the Wabash Park Family Campgrounds. I did it for four summers (2000-2003). I was responsible for approximately 6-8 girls each week, living in cabins with them, supervising them, offering spiritual guidance, settling fights, leading cabin devotions, braiding their hair, washing dishes with them, cleaning the bathroom with them, playing foursquare with them, and sometimes helping to lead worship. It was a 23-hour a day job and so I guess that means I got paid about a dollar an hour. And although I often didn't think so at the time, it was worth every penny.

3. From 2001-2004 (not counting summers) I worked in the Records Office at Greenville college. I did a little bit of everything there involving office support. The best part was when Pam would take me out to lunch because she liked me the best out of everyone that worked there!

4. I am presently cleaning houses. My favorite job is for an elderly man in the community. He buys me lunch while I am there and we sit and talk for a while about him being in the war, his past experiences with church, his dislike for the local police, and about church history. It's kinf of like having an extra grandpa!!

Four Movies I can watch over and over again:
1. The Wedding Singer
2. Edward Scissorhands
3. Labyrinth
4. Slingblade

Four places I have lived:
1. Seymour, IN (1990-2000)
2. Greenville, IL (200-2004)
3. Griffith, IN (summer of 2004...my parents still live there)
4. Wilmore, KY (August 2004-present)

Four TV shows I love to watch:
1. 24- to get my excitement
2. The Price is Right- to test out my skills
3. Seinfeld- to laugh
4. The Simpsons- to laugh some more

Four places I've vacationed:
1. Destin, FL- Deep sea fishing, getting a suntan, and building sand castles with the fam
2. Canada- I went on a trip with my dad that included driving to Toronto to go to a baseball game, driving to and checking out Niagra Falls, and then proceeding to Quebec to tour ancient castles and test out my French with the locals
3. Phoenix, AZ- Playing tennis, getting a sunburn by the pool, a Diamondbacks game, offroading it in a jeep, and a trip to the Grand Canyon
4. Cancun, Mexico- laying by the ocean and touring the ancient Mayan ruins of Chitchen Itza (I'm not really sure I spelled that one right)

Four of my favorite dishes:
1. Papa John's pizza (sausage and onion)
2. Chicken Pad Thai
3. Chicken Parmasean
4. Loaded baked potato soup

Four sites I visit daily:
1. My Yahoo
2. Weather.com
3. My Space
4. Flickr

Four places I would rather be right now:

Well, since I am at work right now, I'll have fun with this

1. Out to a nice Valentine's Day dinner with my valentine (even though I got one last night instead...two never hurt)
2. Curled up on my couch with some hot chocolate reading a fun book (not for school)
3. At a coffee shop with friends
4. At a surprise last-minute Wilco concert of which I am a lucky audience member to go backstage and then hang out with them afterwards

Four bloggers I am tagging:
1. Jessi
2. Tammy
3. Leslie
4. Krista

The Faith of Harris

2006-01-06T15:32:00.000-05:00

I got an email today from a friend who works at Good News Magazine. She had a story from a photojournalist named Scott Harrison who had been traveling around with a group of medical missionaries to Liberia. Just reading it renewed my faith in miracles and restored my ability to hope in the face of discouragement.

This man told a story of meeting a man named Harris who had been suffering from a tumor on his face for the last 13 years. This tumor had dissolved 3/4 of this man's teeth and was slowly beginning to suffocate him. There was no hope for the medical treatment necessary because of the state of the country he lived in, but somehow Harris had faith in God that he would be healed someday.

That day came when the Mercy Ship moved into the neighborhood. They happened upon some people discussing the man with the tumor on his face and the decided to seek him out. It took two weeks to make him healthy enough to perform the surgery. When all was said and done, Harris was at least 6lbs, 4 oz. lighter and most importantly he was able to smile again. If you'd like to see the before and after pictures, you can see them here: http://onamercyship.com/harris/surgeryalbum.

This man witnessed a miracle 13 years in the making. A man who was a prisoner in his own body for 13 years and who was doomed to death had faith and God was faithful. It seems I only dream about witnessing something so powerful and life-changing. These are Scott's words:

Yesterday, more than 13 years since his tumor began growing, I saw what that
miracle looked like in an operating room. A messy and bloody miracle on a ship
in West Africa. A miracle that involved two volunteer surgeons and three
anesthetists working for four hours to remove the tumor that had wrecked
Harris's face. And then worked for another three to put him back together
again.

An hour ago on the ward, I watched through tears as Harris and his father
were reunited after two weeks. Harris grinned when he saw his father, a smile
previously made impossible by the tumor, and one I'll look forward to getting
used to. His father knelt beside his bed with tears in his eyes and looked up at
the ceiling.
"I am looking for God. I am looking for God," he said.

There are many lessons to learn from this story:

Support missionary organizations...they do great things.
God uses people to do His work.
Nothing is impossible with faith.
God sometimes takes a while to answer prayers.
God wishes to redeem suffering.

But most of all I like to take away from this story the simple message that where there is faith there is more than enough of God's mercy to meet it.

Praying with a Stranger

2005-12-07T16:52:00.001-05:00

Maybe it's the way I'm wired...maybe there's real truth in what I am about to say. You make the decision.

I have struggled in the past with random people I don't even know coming up to me and asking me if I need prayer for anything. I have never experienced this until coming to seminary, but since that time it has happened approximately five or six times. I struggle with feeling as if this is a phony and cheap way of "ministering to" people. I close myself off to them and sheepishly say "no thanks." Yet at the sime time I struggle with feeling guilty over not allowing myself to be blessed by someone's concern and willingness to pray for me.

However, I experienced this again today and it hit me why I dislike it so much. And now I don't feel guilty for being bothered by it so much. I was approached by a man who doesn't even know my name and he asks me if he can pray with me for anything. I say, "Not really, I need to answer the phone." (I'm at work and the phone happens to be beeping at me at the moment.) He puts his hand on my shoulder and just walks away. I apologize to this man if he happens to be reading this through some coincidence, but I would like to at least open up a conversation in regards to this form of ministring to people.

First of all, this expression of seeming kindness is likely to be interpreted as shallow. I believe that the best way to bless someone is to take the time to get to know him/her. There is nothing that speaks louder than an expression of interest. I do not wish to be reduced to something on someone's anonymous list of things to pray about. I do not wish to be reduced to someone's good deed for the day. While this is most likely not the intention of the prayer-sayer, this is how it's going to be received. I would rather be a face that he can put with a name and some tidbits of information about who I am. Perhaps the proper thing to do would be to approach someone, ask their name, maybe where they're from, what they're doing right now, and if they're having an okay day, etc. This simple yet personal expression of kindness is invaluable. Now when you see this person, you can call them by name and have subsequent conversations, etc. Then that person will know he/she is important enough to you that you would remember his/her name.

Second of all, well, that's just awkward, man.

Thirdly, why would someone want to share such personal information with you when you don't even take the time to ask for a name? It is a violation of certain boundaries in my opinion to ask someone you don't even know to express to you the concerns of their hearts. Chances are, if there is something weighing on my heart it is too personal to tell a stranger. Prayer is a wonderful way to express kindness and show the love of God, but perhaps this kind of conversation shoud take place between people who know each other in the context of friendship.

I am not trying to devalue prayer in any way, but am simply suggesting that prayer as an expression of concern is best displayed in the proper context. If the Spirit lays it on your heart to pray for a stranger, wouldn't that prayer be just as effective when done in private? You can minister to strangers by making them into friends. Ask them how you can pray for them after they're not strangers anymore. I would argue that it is better to engage in ministry that sincerely and genuinely invites people into our own personal space by being in relationship with them.

In order that I don't beat a dead horse...you can think about it. Is this something that is a personal preference or is it universal?

World AIDS Day

2005-12-01T23:28:00.000-05:00

Every day in Africa:
HIV/AIDS kills 6,300 people
8,500 people are infected with the HIV virus
1,400 newborn babies are infected during childbirth

12 million African children have already lost one or both parents to AIDS. It seems as though it is an unstoppable epidemic. Or is it? Evidence shows that 90% of Africans taking life-saving anti-retroviral drugs (ARVS) have success when taking the drugs. These drugs make them able to take care of their families and live much healthier and lengthier lives. Sadly, though, only 500,000 of the 4.7 million who need immediate access to ARVS have access to them. The U.S. has made it possible for 350, 000 people who couldn’t receive them to have them, but I know we could be doing more.

We can not continue to ignore the crisis this country is in. We can not be afraid to mention the word AIDS anymore. It’s not just about sex. It’s about a lack of prevention education, especially in Africa. Compassion must win out. There is a world out there that is hurting and dying. Are our hearts breaking for them? Mine is. But what can I do? I am still seeking answers to this question.

This could be a start. I came across this site where you can light a candle for AIDS research. You light a candle by clicking on a specific continent and choosing a specific purpose. And it’s free. It won’t cost you a penny. And for every candle lit, this organization will donate $1 toward research. I don’t know if it’s for real, but what is there to lose? Here’s the link:

http://www.lighttounite.com/

God, help us to know what to do with this information. I pray that it would not sit well with us but that it would stir up within your people a passion for helping the hurting. Where there is ignorance, let there be awareness. Where there is apathy, let there be passion. Where there is hatred and prejudice, let there be compassion.

Perfect Love

2005-11-30T14:47:00.000-05:00

I’ve been writing a paper about my salvation process. It’s been frustrating at times, but I think I came to some good conclusions.

What is sanctification? It’s how the Spirit makes you holy. So it must mean that you stop having the desires to cuss, drink, smoke, and have sex, right? Not exactly. How can we boil down sanctification to such disgustingly legalistic matters? It is so much richer and fuller than that. I see God’s sanctifying grace at work in my life right now gradually helping me to learn to love. I feel as though God has made us for the highest purpose of all: to love and be loved. Love with a Godly love. That does sum up the Ten Commandments, right?

When I am tempted to curse the people around me for treating me so rotten, I think about how Jesus endured flogging, beating, and mocking and still forgave the people who did it to Him. His fellowship with the Father overshadowed everything else so much so that the only thing he could think to do was to plead to the Father on behalf of these people. The same is true of Stephen. While he was having stones thrown at him, he cried that familiar cry, “Father, forgive them for they know not what they do.” Wow. Now that’s sanctification.

This kind of fellowship with God is much more important than how I may be treated in this lifetime. It’s the kind of fellowship with God that makes me desire to love people the way God loves people. This, my friends, is the greatest joy to be found in life. Of course it doesn’t mean letting people take advantage of you either. Love is not always quiet or acquiescent, but sometimes comes in the form of challenging. But that’s a topic for another day.

I’ll leave you with an inspiring thought: Every person in your life is God’s gift to you for the working out of your salvation. Yes, even that person that annoys you the most. It’s easy to love the people who love you back, but not so much the ones that spit in your face.

God, please help me to become perfect in love. I have a long way to go. Come to my assistance.

To Be Alone With You

2005-11-04T13:00:00.000-05:00

Listened to a lecture today on forgiveness in relationship to the cross. Listened to a song today about the fullness of God's love on the cross. Maybe you've heard it, maybe not. It's by Sufjan Stevens:

I'd swim across Lake Michigan
I'd sell my shoes
I'd give my body to be back again
In the rest of the room

To be alone with you
To be alone with you
To be alone with you
To be alone with you

You gave your body to the lonely
They took your clothes
You gave up a wife and a family
You gave your ghost

To be alone with me
To be alone with me
To be alone with me
You went up on a tree

To be alone with me you went up on that tree

I've never known a man who loved me

I was completely blown away when Sufjan ended his peppy show back in September with this song as the only encore song. All the glam and glitterry costumes were gone and there stood simply an ordinary man and his guitar, singing about--of all things--the cross. What a powerful ending.

And when I was listening to this song on my MP3 player walking back from Clucker's this afternoon the powerfulness hit me again in light of the message I heard just minutes earlier in chapel. Christ died in our place. How beautiful is it that not only did he go up on the tree, but he also came in the form of a man to bear all of our shame on that tree? And not only did he do it so that he could be with us (although he is Emmanuel, God with us) but that we could be forgiven in that one act of love. Christ was not sent simply as a mediator to forgive us the debt we owe to God, but He came to represent both parties involved. He was in nature fully God (the one wronged) and fully human (fully identified with the transgressors, although innocent). His death was our death. His life is our life. How much fuller and richer the meaning of our forgiveness and our lives in Christ since this is true!

Growing Up Is Hard to Do

2005-10-12T17:09:00.000-04:00

I got an email from my dad today. It made me cry.

He's been packing up my room so that my mom can make it into a craft room. It's not really my bedroom anymore I guess. But he said that as he was packing my things up, he started to cry at the thought that I don't live there anymore. Sad stuff. I really don't.

Part of me wants to make fun of my parents for having a bad case of the empty-nest syndrome...maybe mid-life crises even. But then there's the part of me that understands what it all means. They're only baby has grown up and isn't coming home to visit very often. This summer they moved my bed to Kentucky for me and it was a big deal. The bed I called my own was no longer at mom and dad's house. It is in my own aprtment. I'm not using a dorm-room bed anymore. I'm using my own in my own apartement. It marks some kind of permanence in my leave from home. The question of "When are you coming home for the summer?" is no longer relevant. We're all beginning to realize that I don't really live there anymore.

If I could describe my feelings about this in one phrase it would be this: mixed emotions. It's all kind of sad but it is also exciting. I'm dealing with not having the security provided by living with my parents and feeling farther from them, I am also waiting expectantly for what awaits me in the future. My father expressed those same emotions. While he is dealing with how hard it is not having me there, he is also proud of me and recognizes that he has to let me go to let me fly (at the risk of using a really cheesy analogy).

What do I miss about home? I miss not paying bills. I miss having mom and dad there whenever I want to talk to them. I miss knowing what is going on in their lives all the time. I miss waking up on Saturday mornings to Sammy kissing my hand and then realizing that dad has been making pancakes. I miss having the stability of relationship within my own home. I miss family games of dominoes. I miss mom's macaroni and cheese. I miss the familiarity of home.

What is there to be excited about growing up? I'm excited about establishing another family someday. I'm excited about having a career. I'm excited about seeing the benefits of my education. I'm eager to see what's in store for me. I'm excited about learning through my own independence. I want to bless other people. I want to love other people. I want to enjoy other people. But I suppose with that excitement comes fear. It's not going to be easy, I'm well aware. There will be times when I will feel like I am a failure. There will be times when I feel like no one loves me. But there will also be times of great reward and contribution that will be beautiful in and of themselves. I know it will all be worth it.

Pray for India and Pakistan

2005-10-09T16:45:00.000-04:00

Preface: This post is in no way trying to undermine the great tragedy that those in the gulf have experienced through the devastation of Katrina. I am just struggling with how to view the tragedy of Katrina in light of the newest devastations around the world. Death toll of Katrina: 1193, the last I heard. Horrible, horrible tragedy. May God be with those people who have lost everything including loved ones.

I was left speechless when I heard about the 7.7 earthquake that demolished India and Pakistan yesterday. I am also left wondering why I haven't heard more about it. The death toll is up to 30,000. Wow. How will America respond? And it saddens me to think about how regular of an occurence this kind of thing is. To borrow an idea from Hotel Rawanda, people see it on the news and think, "Oh how sad" and go back to eating their breakfast. How would it be different if it was America that was cleaning up in the aftermath of this earthquake? If America had lost 30,000 people? I think the more important question I should be asking is how will the Church respond? Should the church's aid and concern lie solely now with those victims in the gulf or should they also be resting with victims in India and Pakistan? And what about the 1400 dead in Guatemala after the mudslide? The people are the same in the eyes of God. Their tragedy is every bit as real as America's.

Of course how the church responds to overseas tragedies I am not sure. God, be with these people in their suffering and in their grief. Be with those who are left to clean up the mess. Lay it on the heart of your church to be Your presence in the midst of this.

An Offering of Hope

2005-09-28T18:16:00.000-04:00

In response to my last post, I'd like to refer avid readers to some quotes from two of the professors on campus that offer hope in the face of suffering. And since they can say it far better than I, here they are. Here's proof of why they have PhDs and I don't:

First, in reponse to the Oklahoma bombing:

If one continues to believe in God, one retains the hope that even such a
terrible situation as this can be resolved in the end. God can and will
restore the lives of those children. Indeed, no innocent sufferer will be
lost or forgotten in God's final reckoning.

In his recently published spiritual autobiography, Peter van Inwagen
remarked, "I have never had the least tendency to react to the evils of the
world by saying, 'How could there be a loving God who allows these
things?' My immediate emotional reaction has rather been: 'There must be a
God who will wipe away every tear; there must be a God who will repay.'"

Of course if there is no God, such reactions are futile emotions in
an undifferent universe. If atoms, quarks, gluons, and energy are
ultimate reality, then our cries of pain and anger will fall on deaf
ears. But the Christian faith, more than any other religion, gives us
reason to hope ultimate reality is not indifferent to our plight. God
hears, He cares, He has come among us and suffered with us and for us in the
person of his Son. Evil will not have the last word. Every tear
will be wiped away.
~Dr. Jerry Walls, Asbury Herald, 3-5 1995

And another quote offers hope from a Biblical standpoint when it comes to the problem of evil

My friends, if we are to have any hope of resolving this question of suffering and divine justice, we will have to listen to the biblical roundtable. And we will do well to refrain from claiming more than Scripture warrants and more than honest assessments of life can really sustain. We will do well to stake our faith in the cross and know that God is for us, that God loves us, that Jesus died for us...
...The apostles say God isn't just with us, as Job evntually discovered, but He is for us. He cares about us even as we suffer. And, He will, in the end, work His purposes through us. He will lead us to a day when we will know that God is just and our faith has not been in vain. That's the good news of the gospel. And it's no end run on the problem of evil. Let us go, my friends, in the confidence that God will be with us. And, as we give our lives and minds to follow Him, He will accomplish His purposes in us, even in our suffering.
~Dr. David Thompson, Asbury Herald, 6-9 1995

In the Face of Tragedy

2005-09-23T16:36:00.000-04:00

Hurricane Rita is making her way through the gulf coast of Texas. Traffic is jammed. People are frantic. Refugees are packing up and fleeing once more with no sure destination. Hard telling where they'll find a place to rest their heads now that their world is being threatened once more. Who knows how much damage this one will do. People don't know whether or not they'll have a home left when they get back. How can these people make sense of this kind of tragedy?
We had an interesting discussion in crisis counseling yesterday about the assumptions we hold about ourselves and the world and what we do when they are shattered by a crisis. We believe that life holds meaning (at least we hope it does, right?). The rest of what we assume is built upon this main assumption that things don't just randomly happen. They happen for a reason, regardless of how we choose to assign the meaning. We can so easily become Job's friends who try to convince him he has unconfessed sin because of what has happened. Even though we may not realize it, deep down we hold onto some of these ideas with white knuckles. And it's okay to reject randomness to a certain extent because it's adaptive.

We believe that the world is good and will continue to be good to us. When combined with the sense of meaningfulness, this becomes a belief in some sort of justice in the world. We acknowledge that there are horrible things that go on in the world but we don't believe they happen in "our world" because that would just be unfair.

We believe that we are good and worthy people and that therefore, tragedies will not happen to us due to this sense of justice. We cannot conceive of something so horrible happenning to us because we cannot conceive of ourselves being bad enough to "deserve" it. Again, this can be adaptive when everything is in place because if we really came to terms with our sinfulness we just might go crazy.

So what happens to these assumptions when something like Katrina happens and people lose everything they have? The victims are most likely wrestling with letting go of these assumptions I've listed above. They've been shattered to peices. How can God do this? How can God let this happen? Why did it happen to me and not someone living in another state/town/etc.? What did I do to deserve this? It could take a lifetime to rebuild them. The outcome could be more healthy or it could be more maladaptive. Who knows.

And while I have no idea what I'd be doing or thinking if this had all happened to me, my heart goes out to them. And not just hurricaine victims, but everyone in this world who has faced that point of crisis when you know you have no more resources to draw from. Your ability to cope with what has gone on is no longer available to you. Maybe they've lost a loved one, maybe they've lost everything they have, maybe they're dealing with disease or terminal illness. These people are all around us, searching to put meaning to their situations.

And I wish that faith offered more answers, but I am not sure it does. I do not believe that tragedy always seeks individuals on purpose. I don't understand this fully though. I don't know why God's lets these things happen. And while faith does not offer answers, I am glad it offers hope. We have hope in Christ that these kinds of sufferings are only temporary and can actually be considered "pure joy" because they help to develop perseverence. Yeah, try telling someone that while they're going through something like this. (I'm sure that would go over really well with some folks). Someone has to have extraordinarily strong faith to have such a mindset. But the truth, when put in an eternal perspective, is that nothing can separate us from the love of Christ Jesus. Not death, not destruction, not sickness, not poverty. I just hope that if such hardship befalls me I will be able to say these things...that I would be able to trust God, embrace the mystery of it all, and bless His name even though I don't understand why it's happenening.

Over the Rhine

2005-09-21T21:00:00.000-04:00

Karin Berquist at a free show down by the river
Louisville, KY

Haybales

2005-09-21T20:56:00.000-04:00

Camp Nelson Nicholasville, KY

In Too Deep

2005-09-12T21:05:00.000-04:00

A few months ago as I was sitting at the switchboard a lady called telling me that she wanted to believe that God loved her, but she couldn't believe. As this is not a crisis hotline, I was completely taken off guard. This lady was looking for someone to counsel her. Slightly annoyed that someone was calling looking for free counseling and completely paralyzed with shock and fear of saying the wrong thing I nervously stumbled through telling her that God loved her. Gee, big help I was, I thought to myself.

Well she called again tonight. Our conversation lasted about 15 minutes this time. Whether or not I did any good for the situation I do not know. She really wasn't in any state to explain what was bothering her, but it had something to do with not being able to distinguish between God and Satan. Frustrated with the fact that she was being so vague and spooky about the whole thing, I had to remind myself that even though the things she was telling me were disturbing me and quite frankly freaking me out, I needed to not write her off as a wacko. What she needed was a friend. A friend who understood her confusion. A friend who would pray for her. A friend who would not look down on her for saying crazy things. A friend who would challenge her to take some kind of responsibility for her own recovery.

I will admit that I am a little uncomfortable talking about spiritual warfare. Do I believe in it? YES. Do I know what it looks like? NO. Who am I to tell this lady what she should do in order to be free from the forces that were at work within her? She wants me to solve her problem for her. I let her know that I honestly don't know how to help her. The only thing I can offer her is prayer and some empathetic understanding. I care about what you're going through, I tell her. I offer to pray for her.

And this all makes me think about humility in the counseling profession. Hopefully none of you by reading this think that I lack it too much for sharing this story. I am not trying to pat myself on the back at all. I am going to have to develop a lot of humility in the next few years if I am going to make it in the profession. This experience reminds me of how nerve-wracking talking to an unstable person really is. When I admit that I don't have the slightest clue what I am doing, that is when I rely on God. And that is the best place to be...both for me and the other person.

I don't want to be a solution-maker for people. People will want to raise me up to a non-human level, asking for things I can't give them. I'll be tempted to offer pat-solutions to "fix" them. But I think people need to make their own solutions. It takes some of the pressure off of me and it also makes people responsible for their own lives. I'm going to be there to help them filter what solutions might be plausible, what might be the most effective...but the truth is that I really don't know for sure. Luckily I think counseling is more about loving the other person than offering them answers. Leaves more room for God's grace to work, now doesn't it?

Center of the Universe...

2005-09-07T15:25:00.000-04:00

...or so they say, Tulsa, OK

Downtown

2005-09-07T15:24:00.000-04:00

Tulsa, OK

Praying Hands

2005-09-07T15:23:00.000-04:00

ORU campus Tulsa, OK

Prayer Tower

2005-09-07T15:18:00.000-04:00

ORU campus Tulsa, OK

Peter and JC

2005-09-07T15:13:00.000-04:00

Listening Intently

2005-09-06T23:17:00.000-04:00

Who Is My Neighbor?

2005-09-02T01:10:00.000-04:00

Dr. Seamands gave a talk this morning on holiness. I found it interesting the way he distinguished between personal, communal, and social holiness. Holiness is more than personal. It is lived out in close-knit groups of people and it is also lived out in the world at large. I want a holiness that abandons ME and edifies JESUS CHRIST. That kind of holiness has to be displayed socially. I want to pay attention to Jesus walking the streets of Lexington with nowhere to sleep. I want to pay attention to Jesus in the nursing home with no family to visit him. I want to give where there is need. I want to act when there is reason for action. I want holiness to invade me until it becomes so much a part of who I am I don't notice it's there.

And why do I want it? I want holiness in my life so that people will experience Jesus. I want people to look at me and say to themselves, "There's no way she is doing that on her own. This God of her's must really be amazing. I want what she has."

So the question I've been pondering (for reasons I won't go into here) is 'what role do I play in my own holiness?' Now this can be treading on sticky theological ground here. I've been tiptoeing around word choices such as this all day. I do not for one second want to espouse the idea that I earn my holiness by works or that my own good works make me holy. Holiness comes from God and it is only by his grace and power that I become holy. But isn't some of the responsibility put on me to seek after holiness? I cannot buy into the idea that when I was converted God said (much like Emeril) "Bam!" and I became as holy as I could ever be. I cannot buy into the idea that I need not concern myself with holiness because God forces His holiness on me whether I like it or not. If God worked this way, why did Jesus say, "Be holy as my Father in heaven is holy" ? If there is no choice on our part to pursue holiness then why was Jesus concerned with telling the Jews how they should be living? Why would there be any instruction for life in the Scripture if God is the only one making decisions in our lives?

I have to choose Jesus every day. I have to choose to open myself up to Him and ask Him to refine me. When I was saved I said yes to Jesus and to holiness. But I can't say I've said yes to Jesus everyday since then. I wish I could but I can't. I've seen myself make horrible decisions and my behavior has led to the opposite of holiness. Do people who think I have no choice when it comes to holiness think that God also chooses for me to act against Him and hurt other people? Either that would be true or else I am not a Christian. One of these two must be true if I have no choice.

I am being challenged through meeting new people and discussing these beliefs. I generally have the tendency to shut down when I encounter people who believe differently than I do because I view myself as inept at defending my own beliefs. I fear hurting people's feelings so I retreat and become bitter or disheartened. God is showing me it doesn't have to be that way. Part of holiness is loving my neighbor no matter how different he is from me. Jesus calls me to love those who differ in race, in gender, in socioeconomic status, in personality, in interests, in age, and also in belief. These are all my neighbor. And when disagreements arise in these types of conversations it is important to remember that we serve a holy and magnificent God and we are all still in need of His grace. Our human minds cannot comprehend the magnificence and complexity of His ways but it is important we keep seeking His face.

Am I Going Crazy?

2005-08-30T14:52:00.000-04:00

I've had a lot of time to myself this week and haven't really been feeling very well so that only equals one thing: too much time spent thinking. I've thought about weird random stuff like how weird it is that someone a really long time ago thought, "Hey I bet that chicken would taste really good." Or I've wondered how our brains decide what smells are pleasant and which ones are not so pleasant. But other than that, I’ve been completely overwhelmed with feelings of grief and sorrow and anger for people I know who have gone through really tough things. It’s really been taking a toll on me emotionally and spiritually. How is it that when left alone with her thoughts for too long a woman can drive herself completely crazy? I’ve been spending most of the week wishing I wasn’t so stinkin’ emotional.

Why can't I be the perfect model of psychological stability? Why can't I be the person who floats though life unaffected by things? Because no such person exists. Emotions are a very important part of the human experience. But why do we have to be so vulnerable? I suppose that without emotions (positive OR negative) life would be kind of drab. The ups and downs of the soul bring beauty and uniqueness to our lives. In order to experience the blessings of intimacy, growth and change that come with sharing life with other people you have to make yourself vulnerable to the negative emotions. You can’t have one without the other.
I love the blessings in life but not always the hurts. If it was my choice, everyone would be happy all the time. No one would ever be in pain. No one would ever experience loss. No one would have to experience severed relationships. No one would have to suffer from depression or anxiety. No one would ever feel isolated or lonely. But then again, I'm not God. Vulnerability and pain and suffering still exist. How do we make sense of it?As a female brought up in a Christian home, anger is not an emotion that I was ever encouraged to experience. In fact, I was scolded immediately whenever I would raise my voice displaying the first signs of anger. I have been so removed from anger my whole life I often don't recognize it even when it walks up and slaps me in the face. I want to be angry. "But," I say to myself, "I don't need to be angry. I can rise above all of this because Jesus said so." Afterall, what would Jesus do, right? Jesus was angry when he saw the temple being turned into a money market. So maybe it's okay for me to be angry about all the suffering and injustice in the world. Why do so many of the people I am closest to in life have to endure so much? Why have they been treated so unfairly? Why do they have to live with constant pain?But who am I supposed to be mad at? The world? Stupid people? Myself? The devil? God? I have no answers. I’m just mad.

There are certainly things in the world that I think are worthy of being angry about and some that are just selfish to be angry about. The same goes for sadness. When is it okay to experience sadness for the upsets in life and when does it just become a sickening display of self-pity? Where do you draw the line? Perhaps anger is only good when it moves one to action for good. Too bad I’m not superwoman and could fly down with my cape and make pain and suffering go away forever. There are still things I can do to make people’s suffering a bit lighter. I can still come alongside people and offer support. I can grieve with them. But how much sadness is appropriate? Perhaps sadness, much like anger, is only good until it becomes something that begins to infect and pollute one’s soul. There are times for sadness but there is also much to be joyous about.

Of course being joyous in the face of suffering is a much prettier picture than it is an easy reality. It’s not something that comes naturally. It only comes through the renewal of the mind…through radical changes in response to grace in the way we think. I really want to know how to move people in that direction. I guess I have to start with myself. Oh how much work there is to be done.